wait

 penned sometime in 2007.

they told me to wait.

and i sat

twiddling my fingers,

rolling my eyes,

resisting their voices

ringing true in my head.

i couldn't take anymore, so

i stood and fought,

forced the tides to turn

for me, myself, and my

restless mind.

but my soul was never

satisfied...i kept fighting,

sacrificing sense to appease it.

soon, there stood a hole

at the bottom of my heart.

as i collapsed, weak from

a war but wearing of warnings,

that incessant voice from

above and inside

whispered one word:

"WAIT."

unclenching my fists,

willing myself to be still,

i succumbed to the word

that has never left,

but always waited for me--

the one i ignored in the begininng.

now i feel my strength returning,

i see a warm horizon that i

never thought i'd see.

fate has forgiven my

failure to follow

the faithful voice.

i shall wait

for the sun to rise...

instead of forcing it to myself.

(don't have a title for this right now)

you recover.

you breathe, stretch.
you somehow stand up.
you find the muscles for a smile again.
you laugh a little too loudly and hug a little too long.
you keep breathing.
you have some tea.
you do a few chores.
you downward dog.
you dance a little.
you realize the pain wasn’t enough to kill you so
you keep going.
you know it won’t be the last time but
you let the thought pass.
you look forward to tomorrow.

you recover.

goals for 2013 (because everyone else is posting theirs):

• start acting like Psalm 139:14 is more than just words on paper
• explore Proverbs 31:10-31; think about what living that might look like
• make (mental/physical/spiritual/emotional) wellness a priority...somehow
• practice better self control in the kitchen and on the computer
• pray and have real quiet times instead of sleeping on the Bible in the morning
• begin to live life with a sense of confidence independent of what other people think

happy New Year! :)

throwbacks

i'm currently trying to clear up my inbox a bit (there are so many emails, i feel like this is too daunting a task).  as i scroll through Gmail, i keep seeing emails for events i participated in.  i'd been looking forward to some of these events for quite some time; my participation in others took some persuasion from my friends.

looking through all of these just reminds me of how much i did this year.  of how far i stepped out of the awkward little bubble that is my comfort zone.  i did so much more than i thought i was capable of.  it's kind of hard to delete these emails; they represent so much.

fighting feelings of inadequacy (at Harvard and elsewhere)

it's inevitable.

you hear about all the great things someone else has done or is getting ready to do, and you start to feel like you haven't won enough awards, served on enough boards, or traveled to enough places.  when those feelings start to creep up, stop and think.  you have to remind yourself of all the things God has allowed you to do in your lifetime, all of the love that He has for you.

you are good enough, at all times.

Free Agent Day

i used to "celebrate" Single Awareness Day (aka SAD).  you know, you hang out with other single friends (no couples allowed), eat fattening food, catch a chick flick or two, and talk about the people who don't know you exist but whom you can't stop crushing on anyway.  harmless, right?

wrong.  because after leaving those friends, putting the leftover mozzarella sticks in the freezer, and returning the DVDs, i never felt happy about my singleness anymore.  i felt downright lonely.  no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't shake the feeling that maybe i'd never have that someone who could buy me (white) chocolate and serenade me on Valentine's Day.  i no longer felt like celebrating; the SADness was all that was left.

last semester, i learned a lot about myself.  i started  to realize that i don't have to settle for the first guy who smiles in my direction, that i'm ________ enough (good, pretty, nice, whatever) to choose to whom i want to give my attention.  toward the end of November, i started referring to myself as a free agent.

i admit that maybe it sounds a bit silly.  but in my honest opinion, the term "single" just isn't very proactive.  it calls up images of someone sitting in her room, moping about how nobody likes her and waiting for someone to rescue her from her perpetual state of loneliness (i should know...i've been that girl).  in contrast, a "free agent" to me sounds like someone who has options, who doesn't have to be asked out to have a good time, who knows that anything is possible once she leaves her room.

so this year, instead of "celebrating" Single Awareness Day over some tortilla chips and a sappy rom-com, i plan to take full advantage of Free Agent Day.  anything could happen this Tuesday.  the plan so far is to buy myself some white chocolate and listen to some music (nothing depressing either.  i have a playlist).  but of course, i'm open to any, ah...amendments, to this plan.  :)

but one thing is certain: no matter what sorts of adventures i end up having on 2/14/12 (and beyond), above all i will celebrate--actually celebrate--that my identity isn't found in someone else (rather, Someone Else).

embrace free agency.

Love y'all,
3Ni

i don't do resolutions. realizations, on the other hand...

any vagueness is mostly intentional.  i decided not to give too many specifics in this post.  and it's 1am.  you know how that goes.

while i was at an interview yesterday, i visited a specific hospital on a guided tour.  the admissions officers warned us at the beginning of the day that it could be a very formidable place.  "med school students spend about half of their time there on clinical rotations," they said,  "and that should factor into your decision.  if you visit this hospital today and feel like you wouldn't be able to handle the environment, then it's okay to decide for yourself now that you don't want to come here."

i've never been on an interview where we were told something like this up front, so i didn't know what to expect.  when the shuttle dropped us off downtown, right in front of the hospital, i had to stop myself from gawking at the sheer size of the building.  i started to feel intimidated, and that worried me.  i like just about everything about the school--the campus, the format of the curriculum, the weather...to have my initial feelings about the hospital that would indubitably become my home away from home negate all of that seemed so unfair.

that's when it hit me.

i can't always run from the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable.*

no long, drawn-out explanations necessary.  the simple fact is that i need to know when to fight and when to flee.  i think i've been fleeing too much in my life.  and not just when it comes to my future career.  hopefully i can work on this during senior spring, in 2012 overall, and beyond.

*aside from cockroaches and the like; some things never change...

Eni, party of one

(Now Playing: "Ridin' Solo" -- Jason Derulo)

i've been saying for years now that i'm "ok with being single."  honestly, i don't think i believed my own words, and i'm not sure anyone around me did either.

last night, while dancing, laughing, and having fun with 4 good friends at an off-campus party, i began to realize--to actually admit to myself--that i don't need to waste energy thinking about romantic relationships.  if it's God's will, there will be a place for one in my life one day.  but it's not necessary for me to look for possibilities in every encounter, to play fantasies over and over in my mind like reruns on prime-time tv.  it's time for me to turn my focus inward, to work on becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, to live life, dance hard, sing loud, and regret nothing when the music stops.

because for the first time, riding solo feels right.

I Know I'm Special...Finally

When I was little, I had a shirt like this.  Wore it quite a bit, actually.  But I don't think I really believed the message then, or even after I outgrew the shirt.  "God don't make no junk" was just something they told you in Sunday School, or something your parents told you when they tucked you in at night.  But they were just words...there was no magic or meaning in them.

I'll be the first one to tell you that I've had issues with self esteem over the years.  I spent most of middle school thinking I was ugly--not really having a reason, just thinking it.  In high school, I couldn't help feeling like I was the only single person in the building; I was sure that there was something wrong with me because of it.  And of course, I was teased for, among other things, being tall (having to order all of my pants from catalogs didn't help either).

Like so many other girls my age, I was thirsty for validation.  I searched for it in every corner of my life.  When I couldn't find it, or when I realized the validation I did find was only temporary, I began to feel even worse about myself.  This prompted me to search even harder, more desperately, but still in the wrong places.  I've had my share of misadventures because of this...I won't go into detail, but I'm just thankful that I didn't get into anything dangerous.

Everyone says that God fills that heavenly hole in our lives, the one we keep trying to fill with earthly things.  I'd heard it so much, but for some reason I just dismissed it, over and over again, in favor of trying to find that relationship, that interaction that would finally make me feel beautiful.  I don't know when I snapped out of it and decided to completely accept God's love for me.  But since then, He's been working on me, refining me...all the while telling me that I'm special simply because I'm His daughter.  Don't get me wrong, the body image issues and the other thoughts that used to plague me never fully go away.  I don't feel like His daughter all the time, and I certainly haven't felt special every day of my life...but it's all right, because He still loves me regardless of how I feel.

So, fast forward a bit to Wednesday, July 27, 2011, probably around 9am.  After working out and taking a shower, I took a long look at myself in the mirror.  I looked at the damaged parts of my hair, my slightly lopsided glasses, my chronically dry skin, the places that never tone up regardless of the number of crunches and squats I do in the morning.

I thought back to that old t-shirt and its sassy message, the one it took me my entire life to believe.

And suddenly, in spite of my flaws, I couldn't stop smiling.

death of writer's block

why do i--do we--confine poetry to stanzas, alliteration, and inventive profundity?  our very breath and existence is creativity.  we are all poet laureates, even if we've never picked up a writing utensil.

time machine

looking back at old facebook posts and old forgotten diary pages makes me realize how much i've really grown up...even in the past two years.  i'll likely never be where i need to be...but at least i'm not that same little girl with the big mouth and the melodrama.

even small victories are a cause for celebration.  do you have something to shout about? :)

pseudophilosophy

i'm starting to learn that even distractions have their place in the world...and, contrary to popular belief, they're not always on the wrong side of the good vs. evil dichotomy.

i don't really feel like elaborating.  i think you'll find out why on your own someday, if you haven't already.

>>3Ni<<

miracle in Haiti

there are reasons to rejoice, even under the conglomerate heap of rubble-chaos-sorrow that at the moment exists in Haiti.

i saw on the news a couple of days ago that while sifting through it all, rescuers found a small child.  she had survived--by herself--for 3 days before they got to her.

in my heart, i named this girl Miracle.

i believe she will grow healthy and strong, and that she will one day tell her story to anyone who needs to hear it.

there are little miracles everywhere, but they're hard to find.

if you don't see them at first, it doesn't mean they don't exist.

even if all you see is an aftermath of fear and darkness...you have to keep digging.

never give up hope.

A Few Words (posted to Facebook on 5/15/08)

Though the deafening crash may still ring in your ears, and even when you feel like you can't even go in that room anymore because of the jagged pieces of that thing you once knew...you still have to walk in, tread carefully so as not to harm yourself more, sweep up the pieces, and decide whether or not to keep them or to throw them away. You'll find something as valuable to cherish later in your life, but only if you get past the fact that the first item is broken. Don't be afraid to walk in that room, don't be afraid to fill the room with new items to brighten it...because things break all the time. It's a fact of life.