期待 (kitai, promises)

penned February 2024.

Have I constructed

Narratives with my own hands

And claimed God built them?

(untitled)

penned June 2023.

Begin.

All dark.

A word.

First light

First sky

First earth

First stars

First beast

First man

All good.

Day’s rest.

Until. 

First doubt

First sin

First shame

First lie

First pain

First death

All lost.

No hope.

And yet.

His plan

Great love

One son

Still God

Made plain

In flesh

No sin

My wrongs

On Him

Instead.

First cross

Then death

A grave

Three days

Debts paid

Then raised

Now king

My Lord.

He lives.

And reigns.

Amen.

香料 (kōryō, incense)

penned June 2023.

Beautiful fragrance

Permeate this flesh and bone

Your temple, not mine

communion

 wrote this one 10/26/14, I believe as the communion meditation at the church I was attending at the time.

Phil 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

I loved doing jigsaw puzzles when I was little—if I had time, I’d still do them on occasion. I used to work on them over the span of days; I would sit at the table in our family room upstairs and put together 100, 500, 1000+ piece puzzles, losing track of time, sometimes putting them together systematically—starting at the edges of the picture and working my way in—and sometimes fitting things together with no real rhyme or reason. The puzzles never looked like much in the process, but once I finished them, the mountain scene or the giant Bengal tiger staring up at me from the table made up for all the time that I spent trying to make sense of everything.

Fast forward to now…I’m at the point in medical school where everyone starts trying to figure out their plans for the future—what they want to specialize in, where they’d most like to live while doing residency, whether they want to eventually raise a family…there’s a lot to think about. And I’ll be honest: many times within this process, I’ve felt like I have to make these plans completely on my own. I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve found myself believing the lie that God is there but He’s not active…more often than I’d like to admit.

But on a Sunday not too long ago, God met me after service and gave me a brief glimpse of Himself, using the childhood memory I mentioned before. I saw Him sitting at a table, fitting jigsaw pieces together…slowly, carefully. He showed me that He is fitting me together, even when I don’t feel Him doing so, even if things don’t seem to make sense for days or weeks or even years. In that moment, He reminded me that I can’t put myself or my future together; only He can do that.

Phil 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

Prayer: Lord, I thank you for the ways that you speak to us. I thank you for little reminders that you’re there—but not just “there,” here…ACTIVE in our lives. Since the very beginning, from creation to the cross and beyond, you’ve been fitting the puzzle pieces of our lives together…you’ve had a plan for us. Forgive us for the times when we’ve tried to make sense of things on our own, and help us to rest in the fact that you are continually working in us and through us. Amen.

Freewrite #3

There are actually 2 other freewrites somewhere on this blog...this one is from back in October.  Happened during worship one Wednesday night.

Herein is love that transcends feeling

You adore me when I'm less than likable

When your face is the last thing I'm seeking

And I'm thinking 

how could this broken vessel 

be your most prized possession

I've done nothing to admire

Life nothing but mire

But Lord you inspire

It's your breath in my lungs so I'll never get tired

And I will aspire to be all you desire

faith encounters

today in church, i was feeling detached.  we kept talking about experiencing God, asking ourselves when we last felt the presence of God…and i just felt like i was there but not there.  like i’ve been going through motions.  i kept trying to let that feeling go, to focus, but it wouldn’t leave.

until the last few minutes of service.

i loved doing jigsaw puzzles when i was little—if i had time, i’d still do them on occasion.   i used to work on them over the span of days; i would sit at the table in our family room upstairs and put together 100, 500, 1000+ piece puzzles, losing track of time, sometimes putting them together systematically—starting at the edges of the picture and working my way in—and sometimes fitting things together with no real rhyme or reason.

back when i was applying to colleges, my pastor preached a sermon entitled “Let God Put the Pieces Together.”  he gave everyone a puzzle pieces as a reminder of his point.  i made a necklace out of it and wore it to multiple pre-frosh weekends.  it was a tangible indicator of who was in control as i tried to figure out where i’d be attending school after graduation.  i think i still have it somewhere.

at the end of church today, as i was praying that i would let go and let God work out these feelings of detachment, He gave me a brief glimpse of Him, sitting at a table, fitting jigsaw pieces together…slowly, carefully.  He showed me that He is fitting me together, even when i don’t feel Him doing so, even if it seems to take Him days or weeks to finish it.  i can’t put myself together; only He can do that.  i want to rest in that image, because it’s been with me for a while, whether i was aware of it or not.

goals for 2013 (because everyone else is posting theirs):

• start acting like Psalm 139:14 is more than just words on paper
• explore Proverbs 31:10-31; think about what living that might look like
• make (mental/physical/spiritual/emotional) wellness a priority...somehow
• practice better self control in the kitchen and on the computer
• pray and have real quiet times instead of sleeping on the Bible in the morning
• begin to live life with a sense of confidence independent of what other people think

happy New Year! :)

we had an extended worship period after 11am service at my church today.  i left around 1:45, before things were finished, because i hadn't eaten all day and the dining hall was about to close for brunch.

but i really wanted to stay there forever.

when i'm worshiping--whether i'm part of the worship team,  in the audience, or alone in my room--i forget everything else.  all the daily distractions melt away, and i am left thinking only about my relationship with God.

the sad part is that as soon as the church doors close behind me, my mind is once again vulnerable to mundane worries, annoyances, and thoughts of all kinds that i probably have no business entertaining.  i wish it were easier for me to enter into a posture of worship outside of the sanctuary.

I Know I'm Special...Finally

When I was little, I had a shirt like this.  Wore it quite a bit, actually.  But I don't think I really believed the message then, or even after I outgrew the shirt.  "God don't make no junk" was just something they told you in Sunday School, or something your parents told you when they tucked you in at night.  But they were just words...there was no magic or meaning in them.

I'll be the first one to tell you that I've had issues with self esteem over the years.  I spent most of middle school thinking I was ugly--not really having a reason, just thinking it.  In high school, I couldn't help feeling like I was the only single person in the building; I was sure that there was something wrong with me because of it.  And of course, I was teased for, among other things, being tall (having to order all of my pants from catalogs didn't help either).

Like so many other girls my age, I was thirsty for validation.  I searched for it in every corner of my life.  When I couldn't find it, or when I realized the validation I did find was only temporary, I began to feel even worse about myself.  This prompted me to search even harder, more desperately, but still in the wrong places.  I've had my share of misadventures because of this...I won't go into detail, but I'm just thankful that I didn't get into anything dangerous.

Everyone says that God fills that heavenly hole in our lives, the one we keep trying to fill with earthly things.  I'd heard it so much, but for some reason I just dismissed it, over and over again, in favor of trying to find that relationship, that interaction that would finally make me feel beautiful.  I don't know when I snapped out of it and decided to completely accept God's love for me.  But since then, He's been working on me, refining me...all the while telling me that I'm special simply because I'm His daughter.  Don't get me wrong, the body image issues and the other thoughts that used to plague me never fully go away.  I don't feel like His daughter all the time, and I certainly haven't felt special every day of my life...but it's all right, because He still loves me regardless of how I feel.

So, fast forward a bit to Wednesday, July 27, 2011, probably around 9am.  After working out and taking a shower, I took a long look at myself in the mirror.  I looked at the damaged parts of my hair, my slightly lopsided glasses, my chronically dry skin, the places that never tone up regardless of the number of crunches and squats I do in the morning.

I thought back to that old t-shirt and its sassy message, the one it took me my entire life to believe.

And suddenly, in spite of my flaws, I couldn't stop smiling.

the "end of the world" - a rant by yours truly

people said that today would be our last day on earth as we know it.  but unless something happens in the next 3 hours or so, it seems that our planet will still be spinning on its axis in the morning.

see, the Bible says in Matthew 24:36 that nobody knows when the rapture is going to take place.  nobody.

so if you're the type of person who likes to make guesses about the second coming, please stop.  because whatever so-called logic you use to predict the end of the world will crumble, you'll lose whatever money you bet on the date and time, and you'll end up making Christianity look bad instead of scaring people into coming to faith.  

while i'm at it, let's get this out there too: the Mayans never predicted the end of the world.  the Mayan calendrical system consisted of many units of time, one of the longer ones being the baktun.  the only thing the Mayans predicted about 12/24/12 was that the 13th baktun would end.  no apocalypse, no great flood, just the equivalent of flipping over another page in the calendar.  honestly, i think it's more likely for Santa Claus to make an appearance on Christmas Eve 2012 than for the world to spontaneously cease to exist.

in closing, instead of trying to figure out when the world's going to end, why don't you make sure you're ready for whenever the hour might be?  call up old friends, go to church more than once a month, take up a hobby, something.  just stop trying to play the fortune teller...for all of our sakes.

thus ends my little rant.  sorry if it's a bit rough. 

Lessons from Lent 2011

(Now Playing: "Hope" -- Amp Movement)

If I hadn't decided to give up secular music for Lent this year, I never would have discovered (good) Christian rap.  I'm really being blessed by Amp Movement's music right now, and I'll probably start listening to LeCrae and others soon...

That being said, if you have any music suggestions, let me know!

the God i serve...

(Now Playing: "Serve You Only" -- Joann Rosario)

the God i serve...

He keeps revealing Himself to me at the most random times, in the most spectacular ways.

His presence is tangible, like an embrace.  i know i've said that before, but that's really the only way i can describe this feeling.  His hands, all powerful, nail-scarred...holding me close. and in the simple things that make me smile--a song on my iPod, a beautiful blue sky, a Facebook message from a dear friend--in those things, i hear Him whispering, "I love you."  over and over again, like a record gloriously and eternally broken.

and i've started to realize...just when i start to think that i'm close to Him, just when i think my love for Him is its fullest, richest, deepest, and that i'll burst if i try to love Him more...He shows me that i've barely scratched the surface.  one night last week, when i had just gotten to bed and was praying, talking to God about the day...i got the sudden urge to just...get out of bed and think about Him, praise Him, anything, everything.  i didn't act on it, and i eventually went to sleep, but the moment at which the thought entered my mind is one that i don't want to forget.

maybe i'm not coherent right now (it is 2:15, and i do have work i'm neglecting), but i just had to say something, and this just felt right.

Notes From Toah Nipi #4 (on quiet time)

today i felt the closest to God that i've ever felt in my life.

standing there, in the cold and the snow and the ice, staring out at the lake with arms outstretched and tears rolling down my face freely, i tangibly felt Him, like He was hugging me perhaps.  think of it: the Creator of the universe, the Grand Orchestrator of all things, embracing me, His lowly and helpless child.  it was a moment so intense, so overwhelming and yet so necessary.  in it i experienced the pleasantness of warmth in the midst of winter cold, saw glimmers of His Presence in everything around me, and felt a wave of emotion so great that crying and whispering words of love to Him seemed like the only appropriate response.

i found "Hosanna" by Hillsong on my iPod and put it on repeat.  and as it began to play i could almost feel Him telling me to sink to my knees, to close my eyes and just sing to Him for a little while.  so i did.  and even though the ground where i knelt was cold and uncomfortable, i didn't mind.  what i really wanted was to stay there forever.

a sweet sound...

(Now Playing: "Time after Time" -- Myron Butler & Levi)

Usually I'm not a fan of Christian/gospel remakes of secular songs, but this one is...different somehow.  I just feel Him close to me, reassuring me, comforting me, loving me unconditionally as the song keeps playing.

a brief reflection

i realized something while i was waiting on the subway to get back to campus today: sometimes God uses complete strangers to tell us exactly what we need to hear.
three very recent examples of this in my life:

• wednesday afternoon: the homeless guy who told me to cheer up (see previous post)
• saturday evening, after the MCAT: the med school student who told me i shouldn't let anyone deter me from medical school
• this afternoon, waiting for the subway: the guy who told me i was beautiful (he was obviously making a pass, but in retrospect i really needed a compliment right then)

In All My Searching

(Now Playing: "Your Love is Extravagant" -- Casting Crowns)

In all my searching...

I have found perfectly inexplicable Love.  It permeates every part of me, every piece of life itself.

I have found the ultimate Muse, whose very Presence is inspiration.  One thought causes ten thousand songs, all perfect because they bear His Name.

I have found the blessed Hope of a place better than this, where He can embrace me for eternities on end.

I have found everything I've ever wanted, and things I never knew I needed.

In all my searching...I have found a Savior.

The Smoking Section

This was originally an old email I sent to the Christian fellowship I'm in on campus.  It was a Friday night, and we'd just had our weekly fellowship together.  One of the staff members and I had gone to the campus pub a little later to pass out flyers for an event we were having.

So I came back from the Battle of the Bands at Cambridge Queen's Head a little while ago.  Tina invited me to go there with her after an awesome and totally impromptu dorm storming session in Thayer to tell people about the outreach event next Friday.  While we were at the pub, we talked a little bit about how the people there (and there were A LOT of people there) should be individuals that we try to reach out to.

I've always felt like we (Christians in general) do a lot of talking about grassroots outreach...but tonight, we actually did some.

We had a whole lot of flyers with us, and we just went around and passed them out to people at the Battle of the Bands.  It was kind of awkward at first--imagine, tapping random strangers, who may or may not be somewhat inebriated, on the shoulder and giving them flyers about your Christian fellowship's outreach event--but eventually it didn't feel as weird.  For the most part, people seemed genuinely interested.  Some even asked me what the event was all about.  I did see one paper airplane on the floor on the way out...but thankfully that response seemed to be the exception, not the rule.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is...we can have these wonderful talks about evangelism all semester long...but when are we actually going to give out our flyers instead of collecting them in our rooms?  I'll be totally real with you guys, I DEFINITELY wouldn't have gone dorm storming or pub-pubbing (haha) by myself, but after being with everyone tonight, one thing sort of led to another in this crazy, spontaneous chain reaction of sorts.  Neil Cole said in his book Organic Church, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in thesmoking section."  We shouldn't be afraid to do that; I mean, it's the Great Commission in plain sight.  Of course actually GOING to the smoking (or drinking) sections of life and talking about Jesus to total strangers is really hard to do (reading over that just now was a little bit scary), but it's definitely something to think about.   

I prayed tonight that what was said in large group would actually leave theroom with us...and this is how God answered.  It might be worth it to actively explore all of what was said tonight further.  

of Carpenters and Kings

i sat nervously
at my station
watching the others work
we had been told
to build our best
in preparation for
the Master's coming

others had constructed crowns
and sculpted stately thrones
were still working
to make them perfect

i had finished long before
my piece was small
nothing special
a basin
its wood not known for beauty
i had barely been able
to mend the crack it bore
i wondered doubtfully
about its worth

at last the Master Carpenter came
all tools ceased their movement
in the hands of the students
from where i sat
i could
see the others
their countenances confident
praise for their pieces imminent

but the Master beheld
their crowns
their scepters
their thrones
in silence
walked past them
without a word

and my heart sank
because i knew
that mine was the least of these

but when the Master
reached my station
he held out his weathered hands
and accepted my piece
when i offered it to him

as i watched
his fingers
caressed the crack
in the basin
and his face broke
into a quiet smile

he inquired
about the purpose
intended for the piece
i replied
that it was made
only to wash feet

the Master Carpenter nodded
turning the basin over
in his hands once more
placing it back on my station

before he turned away
he looked deep into my eyes
smiled and whispered

Well Done

Jericho Road

i had nothing to lose
no standing with
the ones who passed him by
there were no promises
writ for me in the
ancient scrolls
whose words they ritualized

but what of the man
beaten and discarded
by the dusty road?

blood disguised his features
yet i knew he was of Jerusalem.

i saw men of God's temple there
treat him like a dying dog
disowning their
brother in the faith their
peculiar purity at stake

but i had nothing to lose
a Samaritan low as a slave
so i walked where
the priest and the Levite would not
stretched out my hand
to help him as a friend
i had supplies for his wounds
an animal for him to ride
and money for a quiet inn nearby

and as i left him
in the innkeeper's care
i marveled at the day's events:

i had nothing to lose
but i gained something great

left my fear by the side of the road...

"All I Need is You" by Hillsong United is on repeat right now.  i just kind of clicked to this song tonight because the first line popped into my head earlier.  it's really a great song; it starts out in a minor key that makes a shiver run down my spine...but that's beside the point.

anyway, this song got me thinking about some very important things.

i've been reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge.  yes, the book is about sex and abstinence and all those things, but i've recently noticed that's not all it's about.

in one of the earlier chapters, Ethridge dispels myths about relationships that many girls buy into.  one such myth is that a girl needs a significant other to feel complete and happy.  Ethridge's answer to the myth is that all we truly need is God--only our Creator can complete us.

i'm not sure if i've fallen into the "i NEED a guy to be happy" trap in quite some time.  i've learned/am starting to learn that if that were a need, God would have given it to me (Philippians 4:19).

but let's be real...i could fill in the blank--"i NEED ________ to be happy"--with a lot of things.  i won't go into them here, but i know i'm not the only one who feels this way.  any one of us could pick any number of things to complete the sentence.

here's a question, though...how many times has GOD filled that blank? 

for most Christians, He probably does subconciously.  it's something like how we can recite some Bible verses with our eyes closed and in one breath--sure, we have some scripture memorized...but does it actually mean something in that moment that we recite it?  do we believe those words?  or have we just remembered them from Vacation Bible School?

as this song plays over for the umpteenth time, as the refrain--all i need is You, Lord--permeates my being...i'm starting to realize how much i've been forgetting those simple, dynamic words.

they're so much more than words.

this song is so much more than chords and instruments and lyrics....

this is a love song of commitment to God, wedding vows that His bride the church has prepared.  

this is simultaneous submission and praise.

these words...should be the anthem of our lives.