Quandary

penned May 2024.

missing the dopamine hits you supply

rethinking the meaning of chemistry

I'm down bad, but at least I'm honest

I'm craving the heat of proximity

suspended between two states of being

face to face with unwanted truth

I wish you would, but I know you can't

I know my place, and it's not with you

Asked and Answered

penned February 2024.

It’s needed because our skin was once considered cursed

Because our hair offends unless straightened into submission

It’s needed because people still see our bodies

And assume the capacity of our minds

It’s needed for car doors locked and bags clutched tighter

By those who see us as a threat for breathing

It’s needed for every tear shed as this nation was built

On backs that bore whips and burdens

It’s needed for crosses burned on countless lawns

And historical retellings that reek of denial

It’s needed because respectability doesn’t save lives

And “I don’t see color” isn’t an achievement

It’s needed because academia let us in

But seldom does it say “make yourself at home.”

It’s needed for comments that approximate mockery

And celebrations misconstrued and dismantled

We need it to lament our scars and laud our successes

And we’ll need it until “why” becomes a rhetorical question.

期待 (kitai, promises)

penned February 2024.

Have I constructed

Narratives with my own hands

And claimed God built them?

Goldilocks

penned December 2023.

one day I'll feel

Just Right

instead of

Too Much or

Not Enough

I'll stop asking for

permission to take up space

and never again feel sorry

for existing in totality

I neither want to

shrink myself

for your comfort

nor rely on

your approval

to expand

I want you to hold me

if and only if

you can value

my chaos and calm

and be ready

to handle my energy

willing to see me

at my worst

and able to hold me whole.

ENTENDRE

penned November 2023.

poison rarely tastes deadly when it goes down

it was just on the tip of our tongues

now we’re dopamine-drunk off sweet nothings

before we can realize it’s wrong

we’re dancing with demons

knowing they’re wants dressed as needs

claiming they fit holes shaped like hearts

but we fall for it

thoughtlessly pushing start

accepting the rules of engagement

double-dog-daring the edge of a cliff

asking how close we can come with no regrets

we’ve paused just a second too late

allowed soul ties to speak tainted truths

entangled in the syntax

syllables dripping danger like rain

temptation tiptoes inside 

wearing wordplay like a cloak

so clever it makes pain feel gentle

leaving us taken and trapped

at the mercy of the venom

addicted to what’s in our veins

soon we are lying through our teeth

fingers foolishly crossed behind us

promising we’ll hit it one last time

(untitled)

penned June 2023.

Begin.

All dark.

A word.

First light

First sky

First earth

First stars

First beast

First man

All good.

Day’s rest.

Until. 

First doubt

First sin

First shame

First lie

First pain

First death

All lost.

No hope.

And yet.

His plan

Great love

One son

Still God

Made plain

In flesh

No sin

My wrongs

On Him

Instead.

First cross

Then death

A grave

Three days

Debts paid

Then raised

Now king

My Lord.

He lives.

And reigns.

Amen.

香料 (kōryō, incense)

penned June 2023.

Beautiful fragrance

Permeate this flesh and bone

Your temple, not mine

this time last year...

July 2021

I thought things were changing.

I thought possibilities were falling into place before my eyes.

That maybe, just maybe, we could try us on for size.

You spoke in decisions.

You wanted to see how our lives might move together.

Expressed good intentions as easy as breathing

Gave me no reason to not trust you.

But really it was blind narcissism wanting its ego stroked

Too aroused to tell me “never mind”

Too intoxicated to be honest

Too deliciously paralyzed to move my unsuspecting hand away.

Maybe I’m still mourning the wasted time and energy. 

Maybe I still hate myself for opening up so easily. 

Maybe I wish I was incapable of feeling anything unless it’s the right place, 

right time, 

my person. 

Maybe the bitter taste is still rolling around on my tongue. 

Maybe I still hear us saying things we never should’ve.

If I let myself ponder for even a second, these maybes melt into yeses.

I wish I could say that I’ve put my guard up. 

I’ve wanted to. 

But I’ve learned I’m incapable of doing so. 

Maybe I’ll always be the person who could envision so many “happily ever” avenues after just one interaction. 

If that’s the case, please know I didn’t choose it.

If it were up to me, that month would not exist. 

We’d just talk as friends like we did before, continue on like that after, and never take that detour to go There.

“There” ruined everything.

山火事 (yama kaji, wildfire)

penned July 2020

Ruthless energy

Rage, swift and uncontested

Regret in its wake

List

penned July 2020.

I live in the middle of introvert and extrovert

The last one at the party but the last one to leave

My heart stays on my sleeve whether I like it or not

I’ve been known to harmonize when no one else is singing

And I dance in my kitchen like I’m good at it

My left brain and right brain like to argue 

but they’re unmatched when they work together

I pretend to be disciplined…but I’m really just a hot mess

Humor is my defense mechanism of choice

And for the last time….I. DO NOT. PLAY BASKETBALL.

Body

penned July 2020.

I am sorry

For all the ways I cursed you for existing

The ways I refused to listen to what you needed

And insisted that you needed what I wanted

I tried to change you

Over and over and over

I focused on everything I thought was wrong

listened to outside messages

Look this way, eat like this, move like this

No exceptions, no others accepted

Caught up in a numbers game

I deprived you of life and free expression

In the name of a goal and misguided intentions

It’s no wonder that my efforts to whittle you down didn’t work

I see that now

Give me the chance to make it up to you

Let me learn how to nurture

How to hold you with no contempt

Show me how to look in the mirror and see “perfect as I am”

musica

penned July 2020.

How is it that you always know

What to whisper into my soul

To restart the rhythm of my heart and rouse me to dance

Helping me find my voice and taking my breath simultaneously

You bring the brightest colors front and center

Strumming all of my senses

Singing my whole life out loud

in memory

penned Spring 2012.  (angrily) performed at a student-led rally in Harvard Square.  I said what I said, and I'd say it again.

I will never look at Skittles the same way again
The rainbow’s tasting mighty bitter at the moment
When a grown man can follow an innocent boy, 
aim a gun, fire ammo, 
and hide behind some law that gives license to kill
How can I sit there and sip iced tea like injustice doesn’t darken my door?
That could have been anyone’s suburb,
Anyone’s child walking back from the corner store
with a little something nice for his brother.
Zimmerman tracked Trayvon down,
And now there’s another one resting in the hereafter
Or maybe he’s talking to Troy Davis about what’s wrong with this nation.

And this time, there was no toy gun waved from afar
No blatant misunderstanding of motives
Just cold blood, a sidewalk
A beverage and some colorful candy--
The world’s unlikeliest weapons

And let’s not forget the police
Who took a whole month 
to think of this boy as a murder victim
To consider treating the shooter like a suspect
To acknowledge that Trayvon’s family is desperate for answers.

We all want answers.
As new pieces come together,
We look at this story in disbelief,
Asking ourselves,
Is this what it looks like to protect and serve?
Since when did my brother become a threat to my neighborhood?
Am I too dangerous to walk outside at night?

Hoodies up, hands in pockets
We stand here to mourn the loss of another life not guilty.
Rest in peace, justice for all.

(untitled)

 penned at some point in college

I want to leave the Cambridge cold,

return to down-home

hospitality,

a world of

"babe" and "hon"

and easy smiling,

food for the soul.

Dreams envelop me

like aromas wafting from

the kitchen:

us, walking in Memphis

together, hands in

harmony, feet in time

with the Beale Street Blues.

Loving the endless summer,

days dragging on

like cicada songs,

knowing that truly

I am home.

wait

 penned sometime in 2007.

they told me to wait.

and i sat

twiddling my fingers,

rolling my eyes,

resisting their voices

ringing true in my head.

i couldn't take anymore, so

i stood and fought,

forced the tides to turn

for me, myself, and my

restless mind.

but my soul was never

satisfied...i kept fighting,

sacrificing sense to appease it.

soon, there stood a hole

at the bottom of my heart.

as i collapsed, weak from

a war but wearing of warnings,

that incessant voice from

above and inside

whispered one word:

"WAIT."

unclenching my fists,

willing myself to be still,

i succumbed to the word

that has never left,

but always waited for me--

the one i ignored in the begininng.

now i feel my strength returning,

i see a warm horizon that i

never thought i'd see.

fate has forgiven my

failure to follow

the faithful voice.

i shall wait

for the sun to rise...

instead of forcing it to myself.

印象 (inshō, impression)

If only success
Made a bigger impact than
Times I missed the mark.

dress down

We spend so much time
Putting bows on brokenness
Wrapping pain up in pretty paper
Adding sparkle to scars

Not realizing that
Decoration doesn't add value and
Hiding behind highlights is
Only temporary

Flaws can only be fixed if they're seen
Hurt only heals when it's acknowledged

Protection from every injury impedes progress

Sometimes the things that sting are the things that save you

ECHOING ICARUS

I’m too close.
I know it.

But I can’t
step away from
the fierce desire
to protect you
from your demons
and your plagues
even though it’s
not my place.

You are suffering.
I am sick
to my stomach
with this knowledge.

And I would
blur boundaries and
defy logic and
attack the sun
to heal you
even though I
am fully aware
of the futility.

I know it.
I’m too close.

on the subject of a black woman's silence

my silence is not willful apathy.
it is not the absence of rage.

it is not a lack of desire
to process,
to protest,
to educate.

it is not consent,
no inaudible whisper of
"yes" to injustice,
no hushed utterance of
"this is ok, everything is ok."

do not equate the shutting of my mouth
with the closing of my eyes and ears
to the tension so tangibly felt.

i am aware.

i know that for some,
silence is agreement
with all of the above.

not so for me.

it has become hard to believe
that the pen is mightier than anything,
that one's voice holds power.
when reality hits
and history repeats,
i feel choked and powerless.

in saying nothing,
i preserve self.
it feels like the only power i have.

(untitled)

during a virtual poetry night last week, we were given the prompt to write a letter to someone on our last day of life. without even thinking, i knew who i was going to write about, and probably could've gotten to work on the spot. the other folks wanted more time, so we took the following week to reflect and write and read them to each other yesterday.

there’s no way to make up the lost time.

phone calls that could’ve happened but didn’t,

“thinking of you” texts never sent,

so many words unspoken.

i was too passive.

i thought i’d see you next Christmas,

thought i’d get another chance to call for your birthday,

thought i had so many moments left,

endless memories to make in this life.

i didn’t use the time i had

because i thought i had nothing but time.

and ever since we lost you,

i’ve found so much guilt in your place,

unanswered questions mingled with regret--

did you know how much i loved you?

did my actions make that clear when my words didn’t?

can you forgive my selfishness?

can you look past my attraction to convenience?

i honestly don’t know why i wrote all this down

When tomorrow i’ll get the chance to say it directly to you.

four years ago,

i prayed that your death wasn’t real,

that you’d somehow survived,

that it wasn’t your body they’d identified.

once my heart accepted reality,

i hoped that death didn’t hurt you like it hurt us.

now that my own last day has arrived,

only four words come to mind:

I’ll see you soon.

(for my cousin Brian. he would've been 36 today.)