Protagonistic

penned April 2021.

Before I knew you had plans, you wrote me in them

It started out an adventure, but you did the choosing

Before I could second-guess, I was along for the quest

Called me “damsel in distress,” and so I believed it

Now darling don’t get me wrong, I found it thrilling

It wasn’t always so bad, yet it left me spinning

The action moved way too fast for me to see the red flags

But once I took a look back, I could finally get it

Before we get too far into this act

I need to help you understand the facts...

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on someone who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

This script you’re practicing makes you look blameless

But plot twist: possibly you are the problem

You told me that I could have my own perspective

But when my words weren’t your words, you kept that on record

You sought me out to protect, but then you gaslight instead

It’s calling your character right into question

No I’m not innocent here; I could’ve stopped this

But while the drama played out I let it finish

My ego told me to wait, I’d win your praise if I stayed

I should’ve turned that part down from the beginning

It’s clear we’re headed toward the final act

And we both need to understand the facts

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on the one who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

This script you’re practicing makes you look blameless

But plot twist darling I think you’re the problem

You fabricate honesty

But I read in between all the lines you speak

It took me a minute to get the scene

But I’m on to it now and you’ve clearly been acting

This started out interesting

But the more you perform the less I believe it

I’m not sticking round for the last reprise

So I hope you weren’t waiting for me to start clapping

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on the one who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

You’re practicing this script but you’re not blameless

And plot twist darling I think you’re the problem

Just so we’re clear

I ain’t gonna tell you what you wanna hear

Sis I’m no longer here

I’m no longer...here

Water (I Won't Drown)

Chorus: 

I don’t need you 

I need stability 

And all the promises you made 

They don’t mean a thing to me 

Your words are water 

I am worn and weathered down 

But I won’t drown 

Verse 1: 

You were a head rush 

Sweet nothings falling like rain 

I tried to cover my head 

But I couldn’t stop the flood 

We were the best and worst 

Smiling and gasping for air 

But I’m finally catching my breath 

And I think that you should know 

Verse 2: 

Back on my own two feet 

I’ll climb out from under your cloud 

Learning to dance in the storm 

Every time it starts to pour 

Maybe the wind gets strong 

But it won’t be bringing me down 

Here comes the hurricane now

You’re not gonna knock me out

Poison

I posted about this song several years ago (see here, see here), but I just realized I never posted the lyrics when I finished the song.

verse 1

well, they told me admitting it is half the battle

so imma step up on my soapbox and give you all a piece of my mind

tell you my name and spin you a tale

of how i’m probably an addict, and i think that i’m dying from it.

i have these dreams, or maybe they’re nightmares

about the day that we crossed paths and how

i haven’t been the same since

and now staying and leaving, they both seem like suicide

chorus (2x):

it seems i can’t shake you

deep down i know i need to

even still, i don’t care

i guess i’ll die by your poison

verse 2

well, now i’m in my bed but hardly sleeping

see i know i shouldn’t miss you but it’s all i really want to do

i didn’t know i had fallen so far

is this pleasure or pain, cause i can’t seem to distinguish the two

my brain's a fog and my hands won’t stop shaking

i guess this is my version of withdrawal

but i don’t think that i can sober up

at the rate that i’m going, I'll be gone tomorrow

(chorus)

1 Song, 2 Versions

It technically took me a year and some change to finish this song, but it's finally done.  And I have two versions for your listening pleasure.

"This Song" - original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUd3fKVD6wM
"This Song" - ambi3nt remix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1s48-_VaJ8

Please let me know what you think of them.  Just don't be too harsh if you have to offer criticism; as Erykah Badu once said, "Keep in mind that I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my s***."  My "equipment" (i.e. my computer) isn't awesome, and the vocals weren't perfect, but I still love what I've done anyway.  I hope you will too. :) :)

way past my bedtime,
3Ni

Lyrics:

your smile is so simple
yet it somehow has the power
to cause the sun to break the clouds
and make my day brighter
your voice is nothing special
but still it's just enough
to cause my heart to quake
as soon as i hear it
when i'm feeling distressed
you visit my dreams
and whisper sweet poetry
that carries me to sleep again
you're my favorite melody
and i'll sing to you my gratitude

darling i'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you
(repeat)

sometimes in life
we're blessed to see angels
unsung but beautiful
walking among us
prayers form in our minds
when we close our eyes
asking the heavens
to show us anything
somewhere in your soul
i think i found my answer
the circle of your arms is
warm enough to be a halo
you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude

darling i'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you
(repeat)

you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude
(repeat)

darling I'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you
(repeat)

you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude

"Poison" (new song)

I'm not sure if these lyrics found me or if I found these lyrics.  In any case, here's the first part of a song I just stared working on today.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naX_6XMzcQY

Please let me know what you think of it by commenting on this post, leaving a comment on my Facebook and/or Twitter pages, or commenting on the video itself; it would absolutely make my day if you did.  And if you have any ideas for a second verse, let me know; I'm kind of stumped at the moment...

Much love,

~3Ni~

Immortal (posted to Facebook on 3/3/09)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1097466033596

In you I see
a beautiful story
and I want to write
a song to bring you fame

Darling I know,
darling I know,
they’ll always remember your name
I’ve got your soul
I’ve got your soul
and I can make you immortal

I’ve got your soul…I’ve got your soul
You have my heart
I want to make you immortal

The words on this page
will never be erased
They’re written on my heart
and I’ll shout them to the world

That way we’ll know
darling, we’ll know
they’ll always remember your name
‘Cause I’ve got your soul
I’ve got your soul
and I can make you immortal

(you’ve got my heart)
I have your soul
You’ve captured my heart
I have you here
They’ll always remember your name
because I can make you immortal
(repeat)

Darling I know
darling I know
they’ll always remember your name
I’ve got your soul
I’ve got your soul
Darling I’ll make you immortal

The words on this page
will never be erased
They’re written on my heart
and I’ll shout them to the world.

Aftermath (posted to Facebook on 9/16/08)

I want to be
A number again
So I can pretend
That I don’t exist
Retreat into
My internal world
Alone in the biggest crowd

When I emerged
Took leave of my mind
I started to love
The music outside
I was crazy for
Believing in yes
When the loudest notes were no.

And now I roam like a ghost in a graveyard
Never aware of anything else
Always seeming to see you there
Even when I close my eyes.

The finality
Of only an hour
Haunts my head
The entire night
Tossing and turning
Wishing to reverse
The day that I held your hand.

And now I roam like a ghost in a graveyard
Never aware of anything else
Always seeming to see you there
Even when I close my eyes.

I find it hard
To go my own way
Forgetting your face
When impersonal fate
Decides to be cruel
And lead me back to you

Darling I miss
The way that it seemed
Like it was so right
Until the light
Of truth began
To show me the wrong

And now I roam like a ghost in a graveyard
Never aware of anything else
Always seeming to see you there
Even when I close my eyes.

And now I roam like a ghost in a graveyard
Never aware of anything else
Wishing I could just go to sleep
And wake up to another day.

I'm Not Ready for the End (posted to Facebook on 7/10/08)

Verse 1:
Kinda knew it
Kinda felt it when I met you
That it would be the nature
Of this moment to end.
Now it's here
You can tell that I'm not ready
To break apart from my baby
But you want to fade away
& I gotta say

Chorus:
Baby, don't tell me that it's over
Baby no, it can't be over
I'm not ready for the end
(repeat)

Verse 2:
Clock is ticking
And I'm trying to convince you
That I'll feel empty without you
But you aren't listening (oh no, no)
Boy, it's killing me
This is way too much for me to take
I don't know if I made mistakes
And I'm sorry if I did...is this still the end?

(repeat C)

Please, I'm begging you, you gotta stay with me
It's not time to turn this to a memory
Give me just another minute, one more second
Just to tell you that I love you, boy I really really love you
You and me can't let it end this way
Why you saying that you're packing up today?
I'm on hands and knees, just give it one more day
I promise I'll right all my wrongs don't let me hear you say

(repeat C)

Kinda knew it
Kinda felt it when I met you
That it would be the nature
Of this moment to end...

All My Heart Can Give (posted to Facebook on 7/9/08)

*the lyrics are mine, the melody is from a Chinese song whose title and performers i don't know the name of...*

If I had just a little bit to last us for a while
If I had just a little bit enough to make you smile,
It may be all I have to give, but that doesn't matter much;
For I know with it our love has to survive.

When the world brings me down, there is nothing more I wanna do
Than cuddle near the fire next to you.
And when the hard times, they come, there is nothing more I wanna do
Than lay there in your arms until they're over.

Chorus:
Cuz I know that I cannot live without you
And when I feel your touch, your kiss, my life gets better.
And when you smile, your light is the sun through all my clouds,
And all my heart can give is all my love.

(repeat C)

Though I realize one day we will fade away
I still want your heart, your soul, your mind to stay with me.

(repeat C, 2nd section, C 2x)

If I had just a little bit to last us for a while
If I had just a little bit, enough to make you smile I'd give it all.

Wash Me Clean (posted to Facebook on 6/29/08)

1)The rain outside falls like me
Like the man who ate the Serpent Fruit that day
his face is muddied with his sin
and I remember how I felt
when I first experienced redemption long ago

Chorus:
Wash me clean
so I'm pardoned not convicted
so that the falling guilt shatters on the floor
I need to be baptized in nostalgic feeling
so the tempter's hand can't rot me anymore

2)The water washes over me
Lord, I feel Your wings protecting me from harm
as if I'd never strayed away
and now I'm feeling so renewed
like a child reunited with his father once again

(repeat Chorus)

I never thought you'd ever cleanse my soul again
after I had dirtied myself with the carnal things
(repeat)

(repeat Chorus 2x)

Fall From Grace (Angel No More) {posted to Facebook on 5/30/08)

Verse 1:
Life is like a broken dream
And I can't even feel you out there anymore
(No I can't, and it kills me)
Baby, yes I'm still your angel
But my wings fell out so long ago
And now flying o'er horizon's just a wistful stare

My Nirvana's shot to Hell
And I do not think that there
Will ever be a sanctuary here
A demon rages in my soul
My body longs for desecration
Though I know there's no light beyond the tunnel there
And Twilight calls to me
Bids me sleep endlessly
The halo from my hair
Falls to the floor.

Verse 2:
If you see my broken heart
Could you tell it where I am and where I'm gonna be
(It I've lost, and I'd like it back)
I'm consumed by flames of darkness
And my mind is cursed with fantasies
That I know will never be more than forgotten dreams
My Nirvana's shot to Hell
And I know for sure that there
Will never be a sanctuary here (in me)
That demon rages in my soul
A beast that I still yearn to vanquish
But I've no strength to lift my hand and crush it there
The darkness calls to me
And now I cannot sleep
I'm begging baby save
Me from myself
(repeat section)

And sunlight blinds my eyes
Catches me by surprise
I know I'll never see
That dawn again

Memories, Stormclouds, and Floodwaters (posted to Facebook on 5/29/08)

Verse 1:
Now our love is like
I'm a wanderer and you're my sacred homeland
Surrounded by an ocean
I can tell you now
Baby, I would walk that water just to reach you
But still I'd keep on drowning

Chorus:
All I see is broken dreams
of you and me together
Life would be much better
Without those floods of memories
I know you're not my destiny
And my heart can't keep from breaking
Life would be much better
If I didn't have those memories now.

Verse 2:
A new day has dawned
But the sky is vexed with unfamiliar stormclouds
What happened to our sunlight?
I mean it when I say
Baby I would walk on water just to reach you
But I'm so sick of drowning

(repeat C)

As I'm watching it rain out my window
I cannot help thinking of you
Though I know it be the nature
of good things to end
My mind won't let those memories rest
Though the album's closed and dusty
And it's all that I can do to wake
My sanity again

(repeat C 2x)

If I didn't have those memories now
Baby I would walk on water just to reach you...

Enigma (posted to Facebook on 5/28/08)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1098553740788

Verse 1:
It's like trying to conquer demons
in a deathly place,
trying to fight the feelings I get
when I see you.
I know we can never be
but I cannot erase
all my fantasies,
thoughts of you being close to me.

Chorus:
I love you 'cause I don't have a choice;
and all I can think about is your voice;
and all I can think about is your smile;
and it's driving me crazy
(repeat)

Verse 2:
Don't know why it hurts me so;
I still can't get enough,
and I can't help thinking 'bout
all the ways I love you.
I know I have to move on
but it's near impossible.
Yes, I long to see the light...
but the clouds are so beautiful.

(repeat C)

You tore my heart out
and killed a destiny,
but still I'm running
back to love you.
All I know is
everything hurts me
but still I'm running back to the storm
(repeat)

(repeat C)

It's like trying to conquer demons
in a deathly place,
trying to fight the feelings I get
when I see you

The Entertainer (posted to Facebook on 5/28/08)

Verse 1:
What are my lyrics to you?
Now they don't make you smile
and they don't make you feel good.
I can't seem to find a way to your heart.
But now I realize
that's not the melody we made;
It's another song
by another someone
that you'll sing just the same.

Chorus:
Every page
that you wrote my story on
now curls up in the fire
that you watch with blazing eyes.
I knew that this would happen.
You don't care about the music;
you just care about the audience
that listens to it played.

Verse 2:
There you go again:
performing in front of all of them.
They cheer, they clap for an encore
and I remain forgotten.
All I am is notes to you,
that you can play when you want to,
and when you're tired of me
you'll just pick up another song.

(chorus)

Just another song
with a rhythm and a melody,
just another song...but you can't see the meaning
(repeat 2x)
just another song
but I'm stronger than you think
I'll pick myself from the ashes
and I'll sing me loud and clear

(chorus)

I don't need youto sing my song for me
(repeat 2x)

Marionette (posted to Facebook on 2/23/08)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1102291834238 (hope it works)

Refrain:
'Cause I'm possessed by the hope of a love that will never become anything
Golden opportunity rarely makes house calls for me, yeah.

Verse 1:
The living room smells like sandalwood and sorrow
Piano man's playing our song, whoever you are
My heart's saying things that my mind really don't wanna hear
I'm stuck on a word and I can't turn the pages
Felicity hasn't come calling in ages
Your face in the fire, it warms and it burns me again...

(Refrain)

Verse 2:
I keep having dreams of your hand holding my hand
Or maybe you're holding my heart, what's the difference
I can't even move unless you command me to
I'm pulled by a force, I can't seem to oppose it
The strings are attached and you don't even know it
You might possibly be the world's greatest puppeteer

(refrain)

When I look in your eyes, I don't see anything
I still can't help my feelings
(repeat)

(refrain)

Guardian Angel (posted to Facebook on 2/22/08)

*to the melody of "Last Song" by Gackt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLMLCvRBAA0*

Verse 1:
My vital signs are getting weaker
no energy left to speak your name
and I'm praying, oh God, please tell me
when will my angel come?
my breathing's coming so much harder
i think it's time for me to slip away
my soul is coming out my body
and darkness finds my eyes

But then your voice calls me back to light...

Chorus:
When my heart is gone
and my life means naught
and it's just an endless darkness that i trod
i have you
and that soothes my very soul
when i cannot live
i am too weak to go on
and there's nothing more that i feel i can do
i have you with me
and that's all i'll ever want

Verse 2:
Your hand is reaching out to catch me
to pull me up from this sea i'm drowning in
and now you put your arms around me
which causes me to smile
'cause when the final blow was coming
you shielded me, you brought me back to health
and when i'd thought my story'd ended
you came and turned the page

and i am sure that i'll remember

(Chorus)

shelter me with your wings
so i don't have to fear anything

you'll never know how much you mean to me, baby
you gave me love; that's all that i'll ever need
when tears are falling down my face,
you make it better when you hold me
you are my angel

(Chorus 2x)

i have you with me
and that's all i'll ever want

Come On Back (posted to Facebook on 2/22/08)

Verse 1:
I had this dream
that you were still right here beside me
protecting me from harm while I was sleeping,
every pain of loneliness I had
fading like a hunger
with the bedside-table breakfasts
that you made me in the mornings.
But soon I became restless--
too naive to know that what I had was special
so I let it fall by the wayside.
I woke up with a start and screamed
because it's more than just a dream
and yes, you really left me.

Chorus (c):
Come on back
you know that I miss you,
and I'm losing my breath crying
Come on back,
and we can make it better--
I wish that I could hold you in my arms forever
Come on back
you know that I miss you,
and I'm losing my breath crying
Come on back,
and we can make it better--
maybe if we try again
we can make forever.

Verse 2:
And I can't breathe,
'cuz every breath is reminiscin'
of you making cocoa in my kitchen,
of every Scrabble game we used to play,
dreaming of the day
that we'd finally have the chance
to make a house become a home, and
Every tear stain on my pillow
Is every love letter that you wrote me
That I read atop the sheets (reminiscin').
I'm looking at the Scrabble board,
tryna figure out the words that
tell you what I'm feeling.

(repeat C)

I can't get my mind around
the fact that I'm alone;
I'm waiting here by the door
Each day thinking you'll return soon.
Memories, they flood my mind,
and I can't stop thinking of
the light in your eyes,
even when times were bad.

(repeat C)