Quandary

penned May 2024.

missing the dopamine hits you supply

rethinking the meaning of chemistry

I'm down bad, but at least I'm honest

I'm craving the heat of proximity

suspended between two states of being

face to face with unwanted truth

I wish you would, but I know you can't

I know my place, and it's not with you

Asked and Answered

penned February 2024.

It’s needed because our skin was once considered cursed

Because our hair offends unless straightened into submission

It’s needed because people still see our bodies

And assume the capacity of our minds

It’s needed for car doors locked and bags clutched tighter

By those who see us as a threat for breathing

It’s needed for every tear shed as this nation was built

On backs that bore whips and burdens

It’s needed for crosses burned on countless lawns

And historical retellings that reek of denial

It’s needed because respectability doesn’t save lives

And “I don’t see color” isn’t an achievement

It’s needed because academia let us in

But seldom does it say “make yourself at home.”

It’s needed for comments that approximate mockery

And celebrations misconstrued and dismantled

We need it to lament our scars and laud our successes

And we’ll need it until “why” becomes a rhetorical question.

期待 (kitai, promises)

penned February 2024.

Have I constructed

Narratives with my own hands

And claimed God built them?

Goldilocks

penned December 2023.

one day I'll feel

Just Right

instead of

Too Much or

Not Enough

I'll stop asking for

permission to take up space

and never again feel sorry

for existing in totality

I neither want to

shrink myself

for your comfort

nor rely on

your approval

to expand

I want you to hold me

if and only if

you can value

my chaos and calm

and be ready

to handle my energy

willing to see me

at my worst

and able to hold me whole.

ENTENDRE

penned November 2023.

poison rarely tastes deadly when it goes down

it was just on the tip of our tongues

now we’re dopamine-drunk off sweet nothings

before we can realize it’s wrong

we’re dancing with demons

knowing they’re wants dressed as needs

claiming they fit holes shaped like hearts

but we fall for it

thoughtlessly pushing start

accepting the rules of engagement

double-dog-daring the edge of a cliff

asking how close we can come with no regrets

we’ve paused just a second too late

allowed soul ties to speak tainted truths

entangled in the syntax

syllables dripping danger like rain

temptation tiptoes inside 

wearing wordplay like a cloak

so clever it makes pain feel gentle

leaving us taken and trapped

at the mercy of the venom

addicted to what’s in our veins

soon we are lying through our teeth

fingers foolishly crossed behind us

promising we’ll hit it one last time

(untitled)

penned June 2023.

Begin.

All dark.

A word.

First light

First sky

First earth

First stars

First beast

First man

All good.

Day’s rest.

Until. 

First doubt

First sin

First shame

First lie

First pain

First death

All lost.

No hope.

And yet.

His plan

Great love

One son

Still God

Made plain

In flesh

No sin

My wrongs

On Him

Instead.

First cross

Then death

A grave

Three days

Debts paid

Then raised

Now king

My Lord.

He lives.

And reigns.

Amen.

香料 (kōryō, incense)

penned June 2023.

Beautiful fragrance

Permeate this flesh and bone

Your temple, not mine

this time last year...

July 2021

I thought things were changing.

I thought possibilities were falling into place before my eyes.

That maybe, just maybe, we could try us on for size.

You spoke in decisions.

You wanted to see how our lives might move together.

Expressed good intentions as easy as breathing

Gave me no reason to not trust you.

But really it was blind narcissism wanting its ego stroked

Too aroused to tell me “never mind”

Too intoxicated to be honest

Too deliciously paralyzed to move my unsuspecting hand away.

Maybe I’m still mourning the wasted time and energy. 

Maybe I still hate myself for opening up so easily. 

Maybe I wish I was incapable of feeling anything unless it’s the right place, 

right time, 

my person. 

Maybe the bitter taste is still rolling around on my tongue. 

Maybe I still hear us saying things we never should’ve.

If I let myself ponder for even a second, these maybes melt into yeses.

I wish I could say that I’ve put my guard up. 

I’ve wanted to. 

But I’ve learned I’m incapable of doing so. 

Maybe I’ll always be the person who could envision so many “happily ever” avenues after just one interaction. 

If that’s the case, please know I didn’t choose it.

If it were up to me, that month would not exist. 

We’d just talk as friends like we did before, continue on like that after, and never take that detour to go There.

“There” ruined everything.

Protagonistic

penned April 2021.

Before I knew you had plans, you wrote me in them

It started out an adventure, but you did the choosing

Before I could second-guess, I was along for the quest

Called me “damsel in distress,” and so I believed it

Now darling don’t get me wrong, I found it thrilling

It wasn’t always so bad, yet it left me spinning

The action moved way too fast for me to see the red flags

But once I took a look back, I could finally get it

Before we get too far into this act

I need to help you understand the facts...

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on someone who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

This script you’re practicing makes you look blameless

But plot twist: possibly you are the problem

You told me that I could have my own perspective

But when my words weren’t your words, you kept that on record

You sought me out to protect, but then you gaslight instead

It’s calling your character right into question

No I’m not innocent here; I could’ve stopped this

But while the drama played out I let it finish

My ego told me to wait, I’d win your praise if I stayed

I should’ve turned that part down from the beginning

It’s clear we’re headed toward the final act

And we both need to understand the facts

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on the one who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

This script you’re practicing makes you look blameless

But plot twist darling I think you’re the problem

You fabricate honesty

But I read in between all the lines you speak

It took me a minute to get the scene

But I’m on to it now and you’ve clearly been acting

This started out interesting

But the more you perform the less I believe it

I’m not sticking round for the last reprise

So I hope you weren’t waiting for me to start clapping

Don’t you make you out to be the hero

I never asked for saving not from no one

So you can take that energy you’ve wasted

And use it on the one who really needs it

You keep trying out to play the victim

I wonder if the villain better suits you

You’re practicing this script but you’re not blameless

And plot twist darling I think you’re the problem

Just so we’re clear

I ain’t gonna tell you what you wanna hear

Sis I’m no longer here

I’m no longer...here

山火事 (yama kaji, wildfire)

penned July 2020

Ruthless energy

Rage, swift and uncontested

Regret in its wake

List

penned July 2020.

I live in the middle of introvert and extrovert

The last one at the party but the last one to leave

My heart stays on my sleeve whether I like it or not

I’ve been known to harmonize when no one else is singing

And I dance in my kitchen like I’m good at it

My left brain and right brain like to argue 

but they’re unmatched when they work together

I pretend to be disciplined…but I’m really just a hot mess

Humor is my defense mechanism of choice

And for the last time….I. DO NOT. PLAY BASKETBALL.