Free Agent Day

i used to "celebrate" Single Awareness Day (aka SAD).  you know, you hang out with other single friends (no couples allowed), eat fattening food, catch a chick flick or two, and talk about the people who don't know you exist but whom you can't stop crushing on anyway.  harmless, right?

wrong.  because after leaving those friends, putting the leftover mozzarella sticks in the freezer, and returning the DVDs, i never felt happy about my singleness anymore.  i felt downright lonely.  no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't shake the feeling that maybe i'd never have that someone who could buy me (white) chocolate and serenade me on Valentine's Day.  i no longer felt like celebrating; the SADness was all that was left.

last semester, i learned a lot about myself.  i started  to realize that i don't have to settle for the first guy who smiles in my direction, that i'm ________ enough (good, pretty, nice, whatever) to choose to whom i want to give my attention.  toward the end of November, i started referring to myself as a free agent.

i admit that maybe it sounds a bit silly.  but in my honest opinion, the term "single" just isn't very proactive.  it calls up images of someone sitting in her room, moping about how nobody likes her and waiting for someone to rescue her from her perpetual state of loneliness (i should know...i've been that girl).  in contrast, a "free agent" to me sounds like someone who has options, who doesn't have to be asked out to have a good time, who knows that anything is possible once she leaves her room.

so this year, instead of "celebrating" Single Awareness Day over some tortilla chips and a sappy rom-com, i plan to take full advantage of Free Agent Day.  anything could happen this Tuesday.  the plan so far is to buy myself some white chocolate and listen to some music (nothing depressing either.  i have a playlist).  but of course, i'm open to any, ah...amendments, to this plan.  :)

but one thing is certain: no matter what sorts of adventures i end up having on 2/14/12 (and beyond), above all i will celebrate--actually celebrate--that my identity isn't found in someone else (rather, Someone Else).

embrace free agency.

Love y'all,
3Ni

just dance

i wish i had known i was interested in hip-hop dance sooner.  i would have actually auditioned for Expressions before now instead of going there yesterday just to learn choreo and not try out.

i loved just about every minute of learning choreo.  it just felt...right...for me to be there.  i'm planning to do Company Piece so i can learn and perform with them without having to do way too much rehearsal.  thinking about not doing it leaves me feeling hollow; i think i'd regret not doing Company Piece even more than i'd regret the sleep deprivation and the late nights catching up on work.

when we were all learning choreo, some people found themselves tired after awhile.  and though i knew i could use some water and a piece of fruit (or 4), i was pumped the whole time.  and i felt like i was actually getting some of the choreo instead of looking foolish like i thought i would.

fast forward to yesterday evening, at my friend's party.  i was freestyling to just about every song..and feeling good about it.  people were asking me where i learned to dance, and i had no idea what to tell them.  honestly, it felt amazing to be the center of attention... :P

in short, "auditioning" for Expressions today may have given me the confidence i needed to be more free whenever and wherever i dance.  hope this wasn't just a one time boost in confidence, though...

an inexplicable fear

i've been working on one particular piece since september or october.  it took forever, but i've finally laid the foundation and now i'm in that perpetual no-man's land many of us like to call the editing stage.

i should be happy about the progress i've made.  it brings me one step closer to performing this piece at some random open mic or publishing it here on my blog (or both).  anyone who knows me knows that i like to share what i write, no matter how dark or crazy or silly it is.  for some reason, letting people get this tiny peek into my twisted little brain is usually an exciting prospect.

but with this poem, it's a bit different.

for some reason, this poem sort of scares me.  i'm not sure if this fear exists because this piece is personal, if i'm afraid that i haven't chosen the right words, or if i'm afraid of how people will receive what i have to say...

all i know is that the closer i get to finally feeling like i'm "done" with this poem...the more fearful i become.

統一 Touitsu (Unity)

shining together,

even single points of light

can be seen from space.

i don't do resolutions. realizations, on the other hand...

any vagueness is mostly intentional.  i decided not to give too many specifics in this post.  and it's 1am.  you know how that goes.

while i was at an interview yesterday, i visited a specific hospital on a guided tour.  the admissions officers warned us at the beginning of the day that it could be a very formidable place.  "med school students spend about half of their time there on clinical rotations," they said,  "and that should factor into your decision.  if you visit this hospital today and feel like you wouldn't be able to handle the environment, then it's okay to decide for yourself now that you don't want to come here."

i've never been on an interview where we were told something like this up front, so i didn't know what to expect.  when the shuttle dropped us off downtown, right in front of the hospital, i had to stop myself from gawking at the sheer size of the building.  i started to feel intimidated, and that worried me.  i like just about everything about the school--the campus, the format of the curriculum, the weather...to have my initial feelings about the hospital that would indubitably become my home away from home negate all of that seemed so unfair.

that's when it hit me.

i can't always run from the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable.*

no long, drawn-out explanations necessary.  the simple fact is that i need to know when to fight and when to flee.  i think i've been fleeing too much in my life.  and not just when it comes to my future career.  hopefully i can work on this during senior spring, in 2012 overall, and beyond.

*aside from cockroaches and the like; some things never change...