Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Know I'm Special...Finally

When I was little, I had a shirt like this.  Wore it quite a bit, actually.  But I don't think I really believed the message then, or even after I outgrew the shirt.  "God don't make no junk" was just something they told you in Sunday School, or something your parents told you when they tucked you in at night.  But they were just words...there was no magic or meaning in them.

I'll be the first one to tell you that I've had issues with self esteem over the years.  I spent most of middle school thinking I was ugly--not really having a reason, just thinking it.  In high school, I couldn't help feeling like I was the only single person in the building; I was sure that there was something wrong with me because of it.  And of course, I was teased for, among other things, being tall (having to order all of my pants from catalogs didn't help either).

Like so many other girls my age, I was thirsty for validation.  I searched for it in every corner of my life.  When I couldn't find it, or when I realized the validation I did find was only temporary, I began to feel even worse about myself.  This prompted me to search even harder, more desperately, but still in the wrong places.  I've had my share of misadventures because of this...I won't go into detail, but I'm just thankful that I didn't get into anything dangerous.

Everyone says that God fills that heavenly hole in our lives, the one we keep trying to fill with earthly things.  I'd heard it so much, but for some reason I just dismissed it, over and over again, in favor of trying to find that relationship, that interaction that would finally make me feel beautiful.  I don't know when I snapped out of it and decided to completely accept God's love for me.  But since then, He's been working on me, refining me...all the while telling me that I'm special simply because I'm His daughter.  Don't get me wrong, the body image issues and the other thoughts that used to plague me never fully go away.  I don't feel like His daughter all the time, and I certainly haven't felt special every day of my life...but it's all right, because He still loves me regardless of how I feel.

So, fast forward a bit to Wednesday, July 27, 2011, probably around 9am.  After working out and taking a shower, I took a long look at myself in the mirror.  I looked at the damaged parts of my hair, my slightly lopsided glasses, my chronically dry skin, the places that never tone up regardless of the number of crunches and squats I do in the morning.

I thought back to that old t-shirt and its sassy message, the one it took me my entire life to believe.

And suddenly, in spite of my flaws, I couldn't stop smiling.

Friday, July 22, 2011

1 Song, 2 Versions

It technically took me a year and some change to finish this song, but it's finally done.  And I have two versions for your listening pleasure.

"This Song" - original:
"This Song" - ambi3nt remix:

Please let me know what you think of them.  Just don't be too harsh if you have to offer criticism; as Erykah Badu once said, "Keep in mind that I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my s***."  My "equipment" (i.e. my computer) isn't awesome, and the vocals weren't perfect, but I still love what I've done anyway.  I hope you will too. :) :)

way past my bedtime,


your smile is so simple
yet it somehow has the power
to cause the sun to break the clouds
and make my day brighter
your voice is nothing special
but still it's just enough
to cause my heart to quake
as soon as i hear it
when i'm feeling distressed
you visit my dreams
and whisper sweet poetry
that carries me to sleep again
you're my favorite melody
and i'll sing to you my gratitude

darling i'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you

sometimes in life
we're blessed to see angels
unsung but beautiful
walking among us
prayers form in our minds
when we close our eyes
asking the heavens
to show us anything
somewhere in your soul
i think i found my answer
the circle of your arms is
warm enough to be a halo
you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude

darling i'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you

you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude

darling I'm writing you this song
just writing a song for you
a song for you, a song for you

you're my favorite melody
and I'll sing to you my gratitude

Thursday, July 21, 2011

"Poison" (new song)

I'm not sure if these lyrics found me or if I found these lyrics.  In any case, here's the first part of a song I just stared working on today.

Please let me know what you think of it by commenting on this post, leaving a comment on my Facebook and/or Twitter pages, or commenting on the video itself; it would absolutely make my day if you did.  And if you have any ideas for a second verse, let me know; I'm kind of stumped at the moment...

Much love,

Saturday, July 16, 2011

creatures of habit

i play with fire
expecting invincibility
but every time i wind up with more burns...
you'd think i'd learn.

funny how we keep coming back to places we shouldn't be caught dead in; to people we swore we'd never open up to again; to thoughts that haunted us--once, twice...a thousand times--in the dark when everyone else was asleep.

and really, the phrase "coming back" is a bit too mild.  let me be frank: we run, at breakneck speed, as if these habits signify more than just imaginary needs, happy endings only found in a fairy tale or Disney movie, security blankets made of the finest, thinnest air.

we if we actually couldn't go on without them.