Wednesday, May 23, 2012

memories on the wall...

i just packed away all the posters that signified things that i was involved in this year.  collecting them and putting them up on my wall was a great idea.  looking at the space above my bed really gave me a sense of pride, and strength when my self esteem got low.

it was a testament to the fact that this year i did so many things i've wanted to do, and several that i never thought i could.

Friday, May 18, 2012

forgetting free agency

"You have forgotten the face of your father."
-Stephen King's Gunslinger series*

i used to pride myself on the fact that i could go to a party and not be fazed by the things happening around me.  i could be surrounded by couples on the floor, doing whatever they do, and i wouldn't have a problem, because i knew that my identity and my worth had nothing to do with any of that.  even if i left every party alone or danced by myself for 3 hours, i knew that God would still accept me if everyone else didn't.

lately i've been slipping.

feeling like everyone but me is with someone.  becoming disappointed when someone stops dancing with me to "go get water" (code for "i'm not coming back").  getting this spark of jealousy when i see a guy that i've had my eye on dancing with another girl.

i don't know what's happened to me.  but either i need to keep reminding myself of my free agent status and all that it entails, or i need to stop partying and find some other way to use dance as an outlet.  i just know that the latter would make me really sad.

*I've always liked this quote, and it just came to mind as I was writing this.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I don't know why news of people's deaths has hit me so hard lately.  Usually I'm sad or sympathetic but still sort of removed.  But right now I feel inexplicably empty.  Devoid of everything but tears that keep flowing out of me from some unnamed reservoir.

For my friend (not named out of respect):
I didn't know your father, but the way that you reflect the love of Christ in your easy smile and your willingness to help people tells me something about his character as well.  I know I speak for so many people at Harvard and probably beyond when I say this: you've made a difference in our lives, and in your time of need we want you to know that we're here for you, as much as we possibly can be.   
I pray nothing but blessings and peace over you.