Friday, May 18, 2012

forgetting free agency

"You have forgotten the face of your father."
-Stephen King's Gunslinger series*

i used to pride myself on the fact that i could go to a party and not be fazed by the things happening around me.  i could be surrounded by couples on the floor, doing whatever they do, and i wouldn't have a problem, because i knew that my identity and my worth had nothing to do with any of that.  even if i left every party alone or danced by myself for 3 hours, i knew that God would still accept me if everyone else didn't.

lately i've been slipping.

feeling like everyone but me is with someone.  becoming disappointed when someone stops dancing with me to "go get water" (code for "i'm not coming back").  getting this spark of jealousy when i see a guy that i've had my eye on dancing with another girl.

i don't know what's happened to me.  but either i need to keep reminding myself of my free agent status and all that it entails, or i need to stop partying and find some other way to use dance as an outlet.  i just know that the latter would make me really sad.

*I've always liked this quote, and it just came to mind as I was writing this.

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