in memory

penned Spring 2012.  (angrily) performed at a student-led rally in Harvard Square.  I said what I said, and I'd say it again.

I will never look at Skittles the same way again
The rainbow’s tasting mighty bitter at the moment
When a grown man can follow an innocent boy, 
aim a gun, fire ammo, 
and hide behind some law that gives license to kill
How can I sit there and sip iced tea like injustice doesn’t darken my door?
That could have been anyone’s suburb,
Anyone’s child walking back from the corner store
with a little something nice for his brother.
Zimmerman tracked Trayvon down,
And now there’s another one resting in the hereafter
Or maybe he’s talking to Troy Davis about what’s wrong with this nation.

And this time, there was no toy gun waved from afar
No blatant misunderstanding of motives
Just cold blood, a sidewalk
A beverage and some colorful candy--
The world’s unlikeliest weapons

And let’s not forget the police
Who took a whole month 
to think of this boy as a murder victim
To consider treating the shooter like a suspect
To acknowledge that Trayvon’s family is desperate for answers.

We all want answers.
As new pieces come together,
We look at this story in disbelief,
Asking ourselves,
Is this what it looks like to protect and serve?
Since when did my brother become a threat to my neighborhood?
Am I too dangerous to walk outside at night?

Hoodies up, hands in pockets
We stand here to mourn the loss of another life not guilty.
Rest in peace, justice for all.

(untitled)

 penned at some point in college

I want to leave the Cambridge cold,

return to down-home

hospitality,

a world of

"babe" and "hon"

and easy smiling,

food for the soul.

Dreams envelop me

like aromas wafting from

the kitchen:

us, walking in Memphis

together, hands in

harmony, feet in time

with the Beale Street Blues.

Loving the endless summer,

days dragging on

like cicada songs,

knowing that truly

I am home.

i'm so bad at goodbyes...

i never quite know what to say.

(if anyone's wondering, this was supposed to publish itself as i left college about 2 and a half weeks ago.  it never did.  and i didn't want to delete it so i decided to post it now, because it's still true.)

just dance

i wish i had known i was interested in hip-hop dance sooner.  i would have actually auditioned for Expressions before now instead of going there yesterday just to learn choreo and not try out.

i loved just about every minute of learning choreo.  it just felt...right...for me to be there.  i'm planning to do Company Piece so i can learn and perform with them without having to do way too much rehearsal.  thinking about not doing it leaves me feeling hollow; i think i'd regret not doing Company Piece even more than i'd regret the sleep deprivation and the late nights catching up on work.

when we were all learning choreo, some people found themselves tired after awhile.  and though i knew i could use some water and a piece of fruit (or 4), i was pumped the whole time.  and i felt like i was actually getting some of the choreo instead of looking foolish like i thought i would.

fast forward to yesterday evening, at my friend's party.  i was freestyling to just about every song..and feeling good about it.  people were asking me where i learned to dance, and i had no idea what to tell them.  honestly, it felt amazing to be the center of attention... :P

in short, "auditioning" for Expressions today may have given me the confidence i needed to be more free whenever and wherever i dance.  hope this wasn't just a one time boost in confidence, though...

today's "maybe i don't deserve a harvard degree after all" moment

every week, i volunteer with a study hall program for middle school kids.  we basically just watch them do their homework and help them out when they have a question.

there's this one kid who comes when i volunteer.  he knows very little English (Mandarin Chinese is his first language), but he's stellar in math.  when he doesn't have work to do (this has been the case for the past two weeks), he likes to make up his own math problems.  he writes down equations and tells me to solve them, or draws complex shapes and asks me to find the area.  

i've always been relatively good in math up to trig or basic calculus level, but (more than) half the time, i can't solve the problems this kid gives me to solve.  when i give it my best effort anyway in an attempt to retain some semblance of my dignity, he complains that i'm working too slowly.  

all told, i never thought a middle schooler could make me feel so dumb.  and as embarrassing as it is, i also find it really funny.

why occupy harvard?

i was going to write an irate blog post about my reasons for thinking occupy harvard is irrelevant (not going to describe it.  just google it), but i'm just so over it.  i'm sick of talking about it, sick of reading about it, just sick of it.  can we PLEASE talk about something else?  rally about something, anything, that doesn't have occupy in the name.  depending on the topic you choose, i may even come out and hold a sign and chant until my throat's sore (just don't ask me to sleep in a tent).  just change the subject already.


UPDATE: i'm mad at myself for saying that i was over it but continuing to discuss this with people all day long.  i guess this is something that needs to be discussed and shouldn't just be ignored.  in any case, now that i've calmed down a bit from when i wrote this post and heard some arguments here and there, i think i'm most miffed at the fact that this had to be an OCCUPY protest and not just a protest.  if you want more of my opinion on occupy harvard specifically, or feel the need to educate me a bit more on the protest movement in general, please don't hesitate to contact me. :P

we had an extended worship period after 11am service at my church today.  i left around 1:45, before things were finished, because i hadn't eaten all day and the dining hall was about to close for brunch.

but i really wanted to stay there forever.

when i'm worshiping--whether i'm part of the worship team,  in the audience, or alone in my room--i forget everything else.  all the daily distractions melt away, and i am left thinking only about my relationship with God.

the sad part is that as soon as the church doors close behind me, my mind is once again vulnerable to mundane worries, annoyances, and thoughts of all kinds that i probably have no business entertaining.  i wish it were easier for me to enter into a posture of worship outside of the sanctuary.

Eni, party of one

(Now Playing: "Ridin' Solo" -- Jason Derulo)

i've been saying for years now that i'm "ok with being single."  honestly, i don't think i believed my own words, and i'm not sure anyone around me did either.

last night, while dancing, laughing, and having fun with 4 good friends at an off-campus party, i began to realize--to actually admit to myself--that i don't need to waste energy thinking about romantic relationships.  if it's God's will, there will be a place for one in my life one day.  but it's not necessary for me to look for possibilities in every encounter, to play fantasies over and over in my mind like reruns on prime-time tv.  it's time for me to turn my focus inward, to work on becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, to live life, dance hard, sing loud, and regret nothing when the music stops.

because for the first time, riding solo feels right.

happy friday ^___^

there was no one else in the laundry room.  so i put on my "good morning" playlist and began to sing along.  and i didn't just kind of mouth the words, afraid that someone might come in and give me a weird look.  i sang loudly, with no regrets, like i was the only person in the world and nothing else mattered.

it was a great way to start off the morning.

senior year...leggo.

about three years ago, i wrote my 100th facebook note about starting college, feeling like i had grown up a little.  now that i'm currently in the middle of my last Packing for College Marathon, i thought i'd share my thoughts.

for most of the summer, i felt unsure about whether i was really ready for senior year.  honestly, i was (and still am) a bit scared of it.  it's a mere leap away from the real world (unless you're pre-med like I am; then it's a leap away from more school and probably more debt), an interlude before an unfamiliar song begins.

but now that i'm physically and mentally preparing for my long journey back to campus, i'm pretty much forced to face the music.  i'm still a bit nervous about the distant and not-so-distant future, and i still feel like i'm walking on shaky ground...but i have to keep reminding myself that God has my future, regardless of how i feel.

my hopes for this year?  i want to be a little more balanced than before.  i'm not interested in keeping the "all work and no play" attitude i had last year and the year before.  maybe i'll do some baking, get lost in boston with friends, take up tai chi, or try my hand at piano.  perhaps i'll go to bed before 2am every night.  right now, the possibilities are endless (provided that my gpa remains something i can be proud of :P).

all in all, i know this is going to be a great year.

3Ni

waiting for the sunrise...

(Now Playing: "Bright Morningstar" -- Tiesto)

it's finally sunken in that junior year is over.  it took a full day of packing and a great deal of distance from campus to make that happen.  as i sit here in my grandparents' house in new york, surfing the web as my mom and grandmother carry an air mattress into the living room, everything that's happened recently--exams, final projects, move-out--is beginning to feel real.

i'm looking forward to this summer.  somewhere among finishing another song, working on the AMCAS application, attempting to pick up snippets of a new language online, and considering a part-time job (and a subsequent switch from PC to Mac if the money's there), i know i have some growing to do.  senior year is slowly creeping up on the horizon, like a sunrise long-awaited but somehow slightly unsettling...and i need to be ready for both the fun times and the work that needs to be done once the new day has dawned.

the fun don't stop...Housing Day 2011

Dear Winthrop House,

I still hear the vuvuzelas and the chanting from this morning in my mind, like a pleasurable echo down a quiet street.

Thanks for making Housing Day awesome, just like you did last year and the year before.

 I love you,
3Ni

Notes From Toah Nipi #4 (on quiet time)

today i felt the closest to God that i've ever felt in my life.

standing there, in the cold and the snow and the ice, staring out at the lake with arms outstretched and tears rolling down my face freely, i tangibly felt Him, like He was hugging me perhaps.  think of it: the Creator of the universe, the Grand Orchestrator of all things, embracing me, His lowly and helpless child.  it was a moment so intense, so overwhelming and yet so necessary.  in it i experienced the pleasantness of warmth in the midst of winter cold, saw glimmers of His Presence in everything around me, and felt a wave of emotion so great that crying and whispering words of love to Him seemed like the only appropriate response.

i found "Hosanna" by Hillsong on my iPod and put it on repeat.  and as it began to play i could almost feel Him telling me to sink to my knees, to close my eyes and just sing to Him for a little while.  so i did.  and even though the ground where i knelt was cold and uncomfortable, i didn't mind.  what i really wanted was to stay there forever.

conversations with strangers mama told me not to talk to

there are always interesting people out in harvard square, asking for money.  some share special talents with passersby; others wear brightly colored vests and give speeches about saving children or the environment; many feign homelessness while others actually have no home.

walking from winthrop house into the square, i see people like this all the time.  during the day there's always at least one man standing outside of CVS, shaking a paper cup so the coins inside make music.  occasionally i'll contribute the change i just received from my latest quest for (un)necessary items.  regardless of whether i open my wallet to those keeping watch by the door, i always try to speak to them if they ask me for money, to tell them "Sorry, I don't have anything today" or maybe just "Take care."  A friend of mine once told me that ignoring these people,  homeless or not, is akin to treating them as less than human.  because of this i've tried to avoid that silent cruelty by saying at least a few words as i pass.  when i do this, the people will sometimes respond, as if they're grateful for that brief exchange.

today, i was on my way to buy books for a class.  i passed by a man sitting on a crate outside 7-11, asking people to spare a quarter.  when i walked by him, i apologized for not having any change, as i usually do.

what happened next was interesting.  with the heartwarming honesty of a child, he said, "Have a nice day.  Cheer up, everything will be fine."  i'm not sure if i was frowning as i spoke to him, or if anything about my disposition at that moment implied a need for encouragement, and from a total stranger at that.  in any case, the words were said.  and i thought to myself, "this man is sitting out here in the cold, begging for change and getting ignored by most of the people he sees.  and yet he tells me that everything is going to be all right."  in that moment i almost felt that i should repay his kindness somehow...but i didn't know how.  for some reason a couple of quarters out of my wallet didn't seem like the right thing to give him in return.

if i ever see him outside 7-11 again (and i probably will, though i may not remember his face too well), maybe i should have a real conversation with him.  it's nothing compared to a blanket to drape around his shoulders, but it could probably keep him warm for a while.

The Fierce Flashmob

(DISCLAIMER: this is one of those hastily thrown together posts.  and it's also a touchy topic.  if i've said anything offensive in here, which i don't think i have but i guess you never know, someone tell me.  i also give a pretty simplified view of a very complex topic in this post, because i'm trying to get my thoughts out there quickly.  if you want to discuss it with me more, shoot me a message somewhere.)

an event by the name of The Fierce Flashmob happened in front of the Science Center today.  according to the emails that were circulated, its purpose was "to demonstrate the need for more LGBTQ resources at Harvard."  apparently, Harvard doesn't fund the Queer Resource Center on campus in any way--not even by paying its student staffers.

the issue of how to love the queer community on campus has come up quite a bit this semester--my Christian fellowship had a discussion about it a few weeks ago, and my friends and i have talked about it quite a bit.  so when i saw this event going on when I got out of class, it interested me.  a group of people stood on a fairly small patch of lawn, in a crudely roped-off area, holding rainbow-colored signs and moving to the music that was playing.  every time someone came to join them inside the roped-off area, they cheered and welcomed the person in.

i stood there watching them dance together, that colorful conglomerate, and i almost joined  them.

i've learned this semester that i should redefine the way i talk about same-sex attraction.  i've had one view put to me since i was little, and while i've chosen not to abandon that, i have chosen to be a bit more open.  

what i mean is simply this: no matter if we agree or disagree, we must remember that the people who identify with the queer community are just that--people.  by denying anyone access to housing or funding or whatever else because of your hangups about their sexual preference, you are treating him or her as less than human, and treating yourself as better than they are.*  and no matter what your stance is, you should agree that this is not ok.    

looking back over this post, and back over this topic and how i feel about it now, i realize that i should have had no problem with being a part of the Flashmob.  it would have been an act of love.

*things get a bit hairier when you discuss these things in relation to the church (as usual).  feel free to bounce ideas and opinions off me, but try not to get too technical because i'm not too well versed in the intellectual side of things.

workahol

i can't say i'm addicted to this feeling.  more correctly, i don't want to.  because i'm afraid of what that means.

it means that everything i'm going through right now, all of the various stresses on my entire being, all of the things i say yes to, the 3am bedtimes and the 7am wake-up calls, the falling asleep on my textbooks and the inability to focus, the binding commitments and the rigidity, the perfectionism and the frustration...

it means that i like this life and i can't live without it.

The Smoking Section

This was originally an old email I sent to the Christian fellowship I'm in on campus.  It was a Friday night, and we'd just had our weekly fellowship together.  One of the staff members and I had gone to the campus pub a little later to pass out flyers for an event we were having.

So I came back from the Battle of the Bands at Cambridge Queen's Head a little while ago.  Tina invited me to go there with her after an awesome and totally impromptu dorm storming session in Thayer to tell people about the outreach event next Friday.  While we were at the pub, we talked a little bit about how the people there (and there were A LOT of people there) should be individuals that we try to reach out to.

I've always felt like we (Christians in general) do a lot of talking about grassroots outreach...but tonight, we actually did some.

We had a whole lot of flyers with us, and we just went around and passed them out to people at the Battle of the Bands.  It was kind of awkward at first--imagine, tapping random strangers, who may or may not be somewhat inebriated, on the shoulder and giving them flyers about your Christian fellowship's outreach event--but eventually it didn't feel as weird.  For the most part, people seemed genuinely interested.  Some even asked me what the event was all about.  I did see one paper airplane on the floor on the way out...but thankfully that response seemed to be the exception, not the rule.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is...we can have these wonderful talks about evangelism all semester long...but when are we actually going to give out our flyers instead of collecting them in our rooms?  I'll be totally real with you guys, I DEFINITELY wouldn't have gone dorm storming or pub-pubbing (haha) by myself, but after being with everyone tonight, one thing sort of led to another in this crazy, spontaneous chain reaction of sorts.  Neil Cole said in his book Organic Church, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in thesmoking section."  We shouldn't be afraid to do that; I mean, it's the Great Commission in plain sight.  Of course actually GOING to the smoking (or drinking) sections of life and talking about Jesus to total strangers is really hard to do (reading over that just now was a little bit scary), but it's definitely something to think about.   

I prayed tonight that what was said in large group would actually leave theroom with us...and this is how God answered.  It might be worth it to actively explore all of what was said tonight further.  

here's 2 cents. buy yourself something Nice.

why this obsession with finger-pointing-name-calling-mayhem-and-discord?

correct me if i'm wrong, but that's never been real love.

Winthrop brought the Straus Cup home again. I had a victory of my own.

This afternoon, it was so easy to be myself.  To be around people and not succumb to the process of fading into the woodwork.  To laugh with (in)complete strangers, to have conversations about Throptalk and trumpet fanfares (or lack thereof), to be loud and crazy and witty and free.

Why can't it be like that all the time?

in the presence of Royalty

Some people got together and set up a prayer room in Winthrop.  They had a 72 hour prayer event, in which people signed up for 30 minute shifts to pray in the room.  Or you could just come in when you felt the need.

I chose the latter option today after lunch.  I'd kept putting off going up there, and since I had another hour plus before my next class, I didn't have an excuse.

After spending a few moments to look around the room, I had to fall to my knees.  The Spirit that flowed through the place compelled me to pray.  The words formed themselves in my mind so easily.

Something about the signs instructing people to take off their shoes (I would argue that the place where I stood was holy ground), the blankets on the floor, the soft worship music playing, the prayers and verses written on the papers covering the walls...was just powerful.

God was in that place. I was in the presence of royalty.