Monday, August 22, 2011

senior year...leggo.

about three years ago, i wrote my 100th facebook note about starting college, feeling like i had grown up a little.  now that i'm currently in the middle of my last Packing for College Marathon, i thought i'd share my thoughts.

for most of the summer, i felt unsure about whether i was really ready for senior year.  honestly, i was (and still am) a bit scared of it.  it's a mere leap away from the real world (unless you're pre-med like I am; then it's a leap away from more school and probably more debt), an interlude before an unfamiliar song begins.

but now that i'm physically and mentally preparing for my long journey back to campus, i'm pretty much forced to face the music.  i'm still a bit nervous about the distant and not-so-distant future, and i still feel like i'm walking on shaky ground...but i have to keep reminding myself that God has my future, regardless of how i feel.

my hopes for this year?  i want to be a little more balanced than before.  i'm not interested in keeping the "all work and no play" attitude i had last year and the year before.  maybe i'll do some baking, get lost in boston with friends, take up tai chi, or try my hand at piano.  perhaps i'll go to bed before 2am every night.  right now, the possibilities are endless (provided that my gpa remains something i can be proud of :P).

all in all, i know this is going to be a great year.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dear Cartoon Network

I used to love watching your channel as a kid...Dexter's Lab, The Powerpuff Girls...these were some of the shows I grew up with and positively adored.  After watching these classics, I too wanted a top-secret laboratory in my room, I too wanted to fly around the City of Townsville and save the world before bedtime.  I remember creating my own characters and placing them in their own story lines alongside my two-dimensional heroes and heroines; my imagination ran wild with harmless possibilities.

Now, things have changed; I'm afraid it's a change for the worse.

I saw this video in my Facebook news feed not too long ago...and I have to say, I'm disgusted.  If I had a daughter, I would never let her watch something like this for fear of what she might do with what she's just seen.  I wouldn't want her practicing provocative dance moves in front of a mirror, or whatever else she might think to do from watching a clip like this.  You might say that you're giving children and their parents a warning by slapping a Viewer Discretion Advised icon on the screen, but you should know...that doesn't always keep a curious child from looking at things that aren't meant for them.

I understand that sex sells, believe me, I do...but why are you trying to sell it to children?  Whatever happened to innocent cartoons, the ones without questionable dialogue, skimpy outfits, or subject matter more fitting for adults?

...When did we start thinking it was right for kids to grow up so quickly?
i'm a little bit like Tantalus.  except the things that i reach for are dangerous, and they're drawn away from me because God is trying to protect me.

i know this, and i don't care.  because these dark things i desire are so beautiful...

so beautiful that the only logical response is for me to keep reaching for them, regardless of the consequences.

Friday, August 12, 2011


I've kept some form of diary or journal since I was little.  I still remember the little Lisa Frank notebook I had in elementary school, with its yellow plastic lock and its rainbow-colored pages.  In it, I wrote about everything from going to school to making limeade in the kitchen with my mom, all in a big, awkward script that might have indicated a lack of fine-tuned motor skills.  Since then, I've filled countless pages with opinions, aspirations, secret crushes, song lyrics.  It's always amusing to look back and see how my thought processes have changed over time (I'd say "matured," but somehow I don't think that's consistently been the case).  All these years, it's been nice to have a safe place for my deepest thoughts, greatest ideas, and darkest secrets, whether it's in Notepad or on notebook paper (these days I use both).  Call it therapy, if you will.

But sometimes I grow weary of one sided conversations with word processors of various capacity.  And I find myself wishing that I didn't have to put so many guards up when other people are involved, even if they are there for my own good.  Cryptic web posts that dance around the things I desperately want to say, conversations where names are omitted to protect the parties in question...these things start to seem so artificial, so unsatisfying.

What I really the ability to be completely open.  I wish I could just say whatever's bothering me out loud, no censorship, no diplomatic choice of words...just vulnerability.  I want nothing more than to break my own barriers, shed the armor I sleep with, and stand there, figuratively naked, letting just one person see and understand everything I've ever hidden away in a book with a lock and key.

Because somehow, I think transparency may be the best therapy of all.