Wednesday, September 29, 2010

near delirium personified

it's not just that i miss sleep.  don't get me wrong, i do.  at the most inopportune moments i find myself dreaming of his embrace, the intimate unconscious moments we share.

but i'll tell you what.  sleep misses me too.  i can feel it.

all day long, i can hear him calling to me, telling me--no, urging me--to come back to bed, to be his again.

most of the time, i resist, but now i think it's time to give him what he wants.

good night/morning,


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Little Taste of Freedom

(Now Playing: "I Am Not My Hair" -- India.Arie)

earlier today, when it wasn't raining as furiously as it is now, i walked outside without covering my hair or using an umbrella.  only for a few minutes.  but those few minutes felt like the start of something good.

i'm sick of being bound by my hair, being the typical black girl who shies away from storms and sweat and water parks and swimming pools.  i honestly don't want that to be a part of my identity anymore.  my natural curls have too much potential to be forced into this straight, unnatural role they've been playing since i was little.

one of these days, old Press & Curl and i are going to part ways.  i'm going to hang up my rain scarf, let my hair down, and be free.

and it's going to be beautiful.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Just a Teenage Dream about Dynamite and Airplanes

(DISCLAIMER: this started out as a 2am post, so it's probably pretty rough.  and grammatically incorrect. enjoy it though. ^_______^)

since i got my ipod last Christmas, i've largely stopped listening to the radio.  but there are rare moments when i do tune in.  these moments are quite short, and i often regret them later.  why?  because of what i like to call "uber pop."

before continuing this rant i guess i should define the term.  what i call uber pop are the songs that have taken recent top 40 by storm.  they might be about blatantly shallow topics, like cheapened versions of love or physical attraction.  perhaps they reek of cheesy Hallmark-card rhymes.  maybe they involve autotune whose placement is not in the least strategic.  the accompanying music videos may make absolutely no sense but get all the hits on Youtube.  or maybe you find the songs largely pointless as a whole but still get stuck on them any given day of the week because they have a sickly saccharine sound.

now, don't get me wrong...i used to be as into top 40 as the next person.  and every now and then there's that pop song that gets caught in my head and i actually start to like it.  or the song that comes on at the party and i immediately say "i hate this song" and start dancing to it at the same time.

but let's be real.  in my opinion we're all victims of an uber pop epidemic.  i for one think the cure might involve a little lauryn hill.  they say she's coming back and i'm sitting here waiting as patiently as i can...

but anyway, with (so many) songs like "Take it Off" and "Telephone" out there right now, i feel like i could have hit it big when i was Willow Smith's age (slight tangent: i love "Whip My Hair."  the fact that i readily admit that probably completely contradicts this post, but hey...).  does it really take talent to drop tracks where singing (that isn't digitally altered) is optional?

thus ends my uber pop rant.  i'll step off the soap box and listen to some janelle monae for a while to cool off.


P.S. if you haven't noticed, i love Skullcandy headphones. :-P

Saturday, September 11, 2010


(Now Playing: "Hide and Seek" -- Imogen Heap*)

i still remember where i was when i got the news.  i was in 6th grade then, and i was getting ready for school just like any other day: eating some cereal, watching the today show...but then they started showing the footage of the second tower being hit, and i had no idea what was going on.  all i knew was it was crazy and scary and surreal, like those nightmares you can't remember the next morning, no matter how hard you try.

when i got to class, we didn't really learn anything.  we just talked about what we had seen.  there was a boy who claimed he'd get a gun and shoot osama bin laden one day.  we all thought he was an idiot then...but looking back, we were just 11, and we didn't know how to cope with something like this.

i still remember the strong and sometimes extreme since of patriotism that lingered after the ash had dissipated.  i remember the slight obsession with renaming american things that had other countries in their names.  in particular, i still kind of laugh at "freedom fries," even though they represent something that's not a laughing matter.  looking back, we were all just victims of an inexplicable act, trying to band together and pick up the pieces of collective shattered hearts and lives, and we didn't know how to cope with something like this.

since then, i've met a lot of people who were born on 9/11 of some other year.  sometimes i wonder if they still celebrated their birthdays that day, or if they even look at it the same way.

i think a lot of us just kind of forget about today.  it's something whose significance is on the tip of our tongues, but we often don't realize it until someone else brings it up.  i don't know if that means we've stopped caring.  but it's sad in any case, especially given how much we say "we shall never forget."

today should be sacred.  we shouldn't talk of burning korans or barring muslims from building a community center close to the world trade center site because it's "insensitive."  that kind of talk is what's really "insensitive," and it shows that we really have forgotten.  it's also, quite frankly, not the point of this day.  this day is one of many in which we should be praying, loving, working, helping others heal from these 9-year-old wounds.

*there's a minority of people who think "Hide and Seek" could be about 9/11, in addition to the many suggested meanings for this song (for example, the ones posted here).  i don't mind saying i belong to that minority.  in any case it's a beautifully cryptic masterpiece.*

Monday, September 6, 2010

time machine

looking back at old facebook posts and old forgotten diary pages makes me realize how much i've really grown up...even in the past two years.  i'll likely never be where i need to be...but at least i'm not that same little girl with the big mouth and the melodrama.

even small victories are a cause for celebration.  do you have something to shout about? :)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

a magnum opus kind of day

i had a dream about a song i wrote, whose instrumentals lie incomplete at present.  for some reason, a cashier in some obscure check-out line had it playing on her mp3 player while she bagged my groceries.  it was largely finished, and it sounded perfect.  sadly, when i woke up and finally sat down at my computer, i couldn't
figure out for the life of me what it'd sounded like when i was asleep.

later, i revisited another old song project and worked on it for at least a couple hours.  it's coming together now, and i'm more than excited.  i have to wait until i'm in less close quarters to record the vocals, but what i do have feels beautiful.

it feels so good to create.

i could do this all day.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


the sun's oppression makes for lethargic mornings and brains only half functional.  coherent thought is resting to escape the heat.  sigh.  the fans whir on my desk.  white noise, a part of the background, like the calm clacking of my roommate's computer keys.  pages turn.  i'm reading ulysses for reasons unknown.  i pause to look out the window at the blues and greens.  in a minute i'll be out there again, trying to satiate the animal desire for food and the human desire for fellowship. then the afternoon is mine.  laundry's piling up.  books to buy.  songs to finish.  sleep to catch up on.  ah sleep.  a power nap would be nice.  i laugh at now-invisible typos i've had to change since this post began.  i wonder why i even started this post.  it's anyone's guess.  i for one blame james joyce.  or perhaps the sun's oppression.