Wednesday, January 11, 2012

an inexplicable fear

i've been working on one particular piece since september or october.  it took forever, but i've finally laid the foundation and now i'm in that perpetual no-man's land many of us like to call the editing stage.

i should be happy about the progress i've made.  it brings me one step closer to performing this piece at some random open mic or publishing it here on my blog (or both).  anyone who knows me knows that i like to share what i write, no matter how dark or crazy or silly it is.  for some reason, letting people get this tiny peek into my twisted little brain is usually an exciting prospect.

but with this poem, it's a bit different.

for some reason, this poem sort of scares me.  i'm not sure if this fear exists because this piece is personal, if i'm afraid that i haven't chosen the right words, or if i'm afraid of how people will receive what i have to say...

all i know is that the closer i get to finally feeling like i'm "done" with this poem...the more fearful i become.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

統一 Touitsu (Unity)

shining together,
even single points of light
can be seen from space.

i don't do resolutions. realizations, on the other hand...

any vagueness is mostly intentional.  i decided not to give too many specifics in this post.  and it's 1am.  you know how that goes.

while i was at an interview yesterday, i visited a specific hospital on a guided tour.  the admissions officers warned us at the beginning of the day that it could be a very formidable place.  "med school students spend about half of their time there on clinical rotations," they said,  "and that should factor into your decision.  if you visit this hospital today and feel like you wouldn't be able to handle the environment, then it's okay to decide for yourself now that you don't want to come here."

i've never been on an interview where we were told something like this up front, so i didn't know what to expect.  when the shuttle dropped us off downtown, right in front of the hospital, i had to stop myself from gawking at the sheer size of the building.  i started to feel intimidated, and that worried me.  i like just about everything about the school--the campus, the format of the curriculum, the have my initial feelings about the hospital that would indubitably become my home away from home negate all of that seemed so unfair.

that's when it hit me.

i can't always run from the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable.*

no long, drawn-out explanations necessary.  the simple fact is that i need to know when to fight and when to flee.  i think i've been fleeing too much in my life.  and not just when it comes to my future career.  hopefully i can work on this during senior spring, in 2012 overall, and beyond.

*aside from cockroaches and the like; some things never change...