Saturday, May 23, 2009

Full But Hopelessly Empty (posted to Facebook on 5/5/08)

AP Latin's got the day off today. 5th period free. The sun's gleaming on Kai Xing Shu ("happy tree"). The drone of the teacher, the clack of computer keys. Harvard pen's in my hand, barely caressing the page. No ink's coming out.

My mind is bound, like my tiny composition book wrapped in electrical tape. Those pages are blank. Everything to write, no way how. Non habeo modum operandi. The muse is nowhere to be found, and the incessant clack of the keyboard in the corner of the room ridicules my lack of progress.

As much as my pen can't be my orifice, my mind won't stop chattering. Thoughts. Salutatorian speech. AP tests. Mother's Day. Graduation. Spain. ACT-SO Nationals. College. Memories. Desires.

Desires. A familiar one sits behind me, listening to the teacher talk. My mind wanders. I can't help but daydream. I wonder if I'll ever be with him. Holding his hand as we stroll through the mall, sprawling on my couch watching Jeopardy. Gently caressing him when he needs it. Telling him it will be okay whenever he feels like it won't be. All of this seems close but distant, the moon's reflection in a watery well. Two months ago, he said he wanted to be with me, but that he wanted to take it slow. Take it slow has become a painful pane of glass to me. I see him clearly, but this cruel uncertain window separates us. I fling my longings, the visions of our first kiss, the tender touches, the potential I know we have, at the pane, but the only thing that shatters is my hopes.

Study Hall now. Still, no inspiration calls to me from the rafters of my mind. The room is dull. Mundane. Lively but still lifeless. But it'll be gone soon, snuffed out like a candle on a restless wind. 2:15 will come, as it has for the past four years. My heart will soar with the hope that tonight will be the night that some things change. And the cycle will begin again, leaving me full of emotion but devoid of any way to convey it.

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