Tuesday, May 26, 2009

had to get this out of my system (posted to Facebook on 12/16/08)

so...i was sitting here, waiting for tomorrow to wake me and take me home...listening to floetry and musiq soulchild...

and i started to think about you.

i'm not sure if i ever really wrote down what i felt. so here it is. "teachme" by musiq soulchild is on repeat right now, almost as a tribute to the us that never was.


from the start, everyone thought it would be perfect. i mean, we have so much in common, down to days and years and almost hours. everyone joked about it, including us...it was so funny that two people who were already so close together in a way wanted to come even closer by starting a relationship. the poetry i wrote you, the things that i said...all of that was with the hope that one day i could hold your hand and thank God i had a hand to hold...

but to no avail...

it wasn't quite worth that after all.

because...i don't see how we were "working toward a relationship" when it didn't seem like we were moving in any direction. i don't understand how you could get so uptight when people asked "are you two going together?" when you were the reason we weren't together.

i told you multiple times how i felt about you. i was willing to show it in any way possible...but somehow, i didn't quite get those same feelings back. you told me that you "put me on a pedestal." if that's true...then why did i start to feel so low?

words have never been enough in this world. even the poetry that flows from my fingers when my heart can't hold the feelings in...even that does not really mean much. i will admit, the little things that you did for me were sweet...but even friends do little things for each other. at first i felt like we were more than friends, but after a while, even that feeling faded.

i still remember that fateful night. the night i called and told you i couldn't wait anymore. i'm not sure if i told you how hard that night was for me. i remember crying as i spoke to you. i may have cried myself to sleep that night. i don't remember. all i remember was hearing the slamming of a door. the door to a wonderful opportunity. the door to closeness. the door to a universe where it was only us.

you said that we would still talk. but after a generic "congratulations on graduating" call...there was nothing. the silence was loud, the emptiness full, and for a while, all of it was surprising.

and now...i'm listening to "hey you" by floetry. and this song makes some semblance of sense when i think about you as it plays...

i wouldn't have thought about what didn't happen. i could have gotten over the fact that i would have given you everything. but i began to realize that maybe...that maybe it was false hope. perhaps that pedestal you placed me on was a pillar of shaky sand.

you seemed to move on so quickly. this is kind of funny, but it was surprising how quickly "married to" showed up on your profile. of course, maybe it didn't mean a thing but still...even though i had moved on...i saw that and my mind took me back. back to when i thought my name would show up next to "in a relationship with" somewhere on your profile, back to when my poetry said i didn't deserve such an angel...back to before i wrote:

to believe that i once wished
to kiss lying lips
is a burden borne
beyond the grave.

i wrote that...because there was somthing false about that deadzone of two month's time. something wasn't right about the wait.

yes, i've moved on. it's not like i'm sitting here like this every day. that would be a little bit tragic on my part.

...it's just, there are days when loneliness takes me, days when i start to think about past times and friends who have sort of...fallen away. believe me, you're not the only one.

you're not the only dream that's been deferred.

but perhaps...cloud nine was closest to me...when that door with you on the other side was still open.

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